Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z
by Nidoking
Summary: Imagine taking the world of Excel Saga and replacing every character with an alternate from another series. I did, and this is what I came up with.
1. The Obligatory Giant Robot Episode

A tall, lanky man walked down the crowded Tokyo street, singing to himself. "Cashing my paycheck, cashing my paycheck.... Manga artists are useless pieces of trash, but publishers are willing to pay.... Publishers are suckers and I learned how to draw in grade school...."

Suddenly, a figure dressed in black from head to toe, like a ninja with no fashion sense, fell from the sky and landed in front of him, making an indentation in the ground and kicking up a cloud of dust. The man stepped back, coughing, as the ninja climbed to his feet, brushing off his clothes. Suddenly, the ninja's face was pressed against his.

"Are you Koshi Rikdo?" the ninja asked in a raspy voice.

"No, I'm not!" Rikdo protested. "I'm paid through the end of the month! It belonged to my younger sister!"

"That's what I thought." The ninja stripped off his hood, revealing a pale face, ear-length brown hair, and a thick pair of glasses. "Your name's written across your forehead."

Rikdo rubbed at the tattoo. "I've been meaning to get rid of that...."

"You're the guy I have to ask if I want to use Excel Saga in fanfiction, right?"

Rikdo shook his head adamantly. "No way! No more Excel Saga fanfiction! Not after I gave permission to That Guy...."

"Yeah, that's what I was referring to," said the would-be author, rubbing the back of his neck. "See, D.B.'s fanfic gave me a crazy idea to replace EVERY character in Excel Saga with a character from a different series, rather than just Excel. And instead of making the fic about the replacement, I plan to just plop in the new characters and run through an actual plot." He paused. "Well, what passes for a plot in Excel Saga, anyway."

"You haven't even read the original manga, have you?" Rikdo asked accusingly.

"Not as such, no," the author admitted. "This would be an anime-based fanfiction."

Rikdo considered this. "So, you're basing it on Shinichi's anime, and using none of the original characters?"

The author nodded. "Yep. That's right."

Rikdo shrugged. "What the hell. It's not like you can do anything to my story that hasn't already been done." He produced a pre-stamped paper and handed it to the author before walking past him.

The author squinted at the paper. "Hey!" he called after Rikdo. "This is in Japanese!"

Rikdo called back his reply over his shoulder. "I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby give Nidoking my permission to turn this perversion of Excel Saga into a mega-fusion!"

Nidoking smiled cruelly as he folded the paper up and shoved it into a pocket. "You'll regret having said that sooner or later." As he turned to walk away, he tripped on the edge of the depression he'd created when he fell. Fortunately, he landed on a small yellow creature which broke his fall.

"Pikachu..." moaned the creature as its face twisted into something almost as horrifying as what it had been before the impact....

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QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC EXCEL FUSION Z

EPISODE 1: MILKING THE JOKE FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH

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The blonde girl and her partner saluted the throne that stood in the most prominent location in the dark room. "Hail -" they chorused, stopping short as they realized that the throne was unoccupied.

The girl spun around in increments, searching in the darkness for her employer. "Hello? Boss? Are you out there? It's okay if you're not, since you're the boss and all, but if you're not here, then there's no point in saluting you, and since we're already halfway through the salute, that seems rather wasteful, and I know how you're always going on about how precious resources are, so maybe it would be a good idea to show up right about now, don't you think?" She suddenly stopped and collapsed to the floor, sucking in air in huge gulps. "I forgot to breathe...."

Her partner smacked his tattooed forehead at her stupidity. "Geez, Mihoshi. Don't you ever run out of energy?" As if in response, a laser beam pierced his skull from the side, sending a spray of blood from the exit wound. He fell to the ground, dead as a nail of some sort.

"Nope," replied Mihoshi, examining the laser pistol she'd just shot him with. "It's still got plenty of juice."

The blood slowly seeped back into his head as the hole closed. "You think?" he asked indignantly.

"Yep," she replied, pointing to a display on the side. "The power meter shows 85%."

He jumped to his feet. "If you already knew it was full, why did you shoot me with it?"

A giant bead of sweat ran down the back of Mihoshi's head. "Sorry, Yakumo...."

A spotlight turned on above the throne, shining down upon the fancy seat. Mihoshi and Yakumo's heads snapped up as they leapt to attention, anticipating the appearance of the throne's usual occupant. Mihoshi summarily tripped over her own feet and fell into Yakumo, knocking him over. He landed hard, cracking his head on the floor as a short man with thick white hair dropped from the ceiling to land lightly in the throne.

"Hail, Clef!" shouted Mihoshi, raising her hand with the fingers fully extended and her wrist fully bent.

Clef's brow furrowed. "That's the Nazi salute, Mihoshi."

"I've been conducting a study of otherworldly cultures as per your earlier request, Lord Clef!" replied Mihoshi. "It appears that the Nazis were a group devoted to taking over the world, just like ACROSS, so I thought we should incorporate some of their practices into our daily routine!"

"And did you happen to finish your research and discover what happened to the Nazi regime in the end?" asked Clef. "For example, why they're a HISTORICAL political group that's not around today?"

Mihoshi pressed her index fingers together in embarrassment. "Um, I believe they conquered all of Europe, which gave them three extra armies per turn, and then, I don't know, maybe they got three cards that matched, and won a free trip to Jupiter and went to live there?"

"Half right is more than I expected from you," said Clef, raising his staff. "But it's not enough. I'm afraid your performance today has been unacceptable." He tapped the bottom of his staff sharply on the floor. "ELURIA! PIT OF DARKNESS!"

Before the spell could take effect, Yakumo climbed to his feet, using Mihoshi's clothes as handholds. "You...."

Mihoshi slowly backed away as Yakumo's haggard face appeared in front of hers. "Gee, Yakumo, I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to kill you again, honest! It was an accident!"

"I've put up with your accidents long enough!" shouted Yakumo. "This time...!"

Mihoshi smiled back timidly. "Um, Yakumo... you're standing above the pit."

Yakumo glanced down just long enough to confirm that this was indeed the case before turning his burning glare on Mihoshi. "I hate you." With that, he dropped into the darkness.

Mihoshi leaned over the side and peered into the pit until a shower of blood flew up, splattering all over her. "What was at the bottom of this one?" she asked.

"Razor-thin spikes," Clef replied calmly. "It's a quick death. You'd like it far more than the other method I have in store for you."

"Don't worry, I got the hint." Mihoshi waved half-heartedly, pinched her nose shut, and jumped into the pit. "GERONIMAAAAAAAAATION!"

Clef hung his head and groaned. "Why did I ever hire those two?"

"I have no idea," replied Sailor Pluto as she took her usual perch beside his throne. "All I know is that it makes far too much work for me." She waved her staff, filling the room with a rainbow swirl of colors.

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"I'm sorry my death inconvenienced you, Sailor Pluto!" shouted Mihoshi, giving the usual salute rather than the one that had caused the trouble in the first place. Then, she started and looked in every direction. "Hey, where's Yakumo?"

"He's been immune to my power from day one," replied Pluto as she strode out of the room through a doorway that didn't exist.

The floor under Mihoshi's feet shook, causing her to dance uncontrollably. "Oh no! It's an earthquake! Close all your doors and windows, and nail the children and pets to the floor! This is surely a sign of the apocalypse, or ACROSS's world conquest and successful subjugation of the entire human race, and any other species with enough brains to be ruled!"

The floor tile rose at a slant, knocking Mihoshi to the floor, as Yakumo climbed out of the pit at last. "Geez, Mihoshi, lose some weight," he grumbled as he let the tile fall back into place.

"Sorry," whined Mihoshi, tears pouring down her face like twin waterfalls.

Clef cleared his throat. "Are you two finished?"

They immediately snapped to attention. "Yes, Lord Clef!" they chorused.

"Good." He held his staff up, and a map of F City, F Prefecture appeared in the air before him.

Mihoshi cooed and prodded at the map with a finger. "Hey, Clef, how does this thingy work? Is it a hologram or what?"

Clef's eyebrow twitched as his fingers clenched the staff tightly. "I told you, it's MAGIC!"

She froze in place. "Paralysis!"

Clef groaned. "That's going to go over the heads of our English readers."

"Oh, fowwy," said Mihoshi without moving her lips. "I'ww haff to shoose am eafier pum." She spun around and held up a thermos with the map of F Prefecture printed around it. "This is a magic thermos!"

Clef banged the tip of his staff on the ground. "Unacceptable."

"It's funny if you look it up in a Japanese dictionaryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Mihoshi called as she plummeted into the pit.

"So, what's our assignment this time, Lord Clef?" asked Yakumo.

"Hey!" Mihoshi called from the bottom of the pit. "This stuff feels like water, but it burns!"

"As you know," Clef began, ignoring Mihoshi's voice as per usual, "our attempt at citywide conquest has not been faring well. I attribute most of that failure to Mihoshi's stupidity."

"Oh, it hurts my ears to hear you say that," called Mihoshi, "but maybe that's just this acidic liquid I'm swimming in!"

"I'm sure I share some part of the responsibility," Yakumo said with a bow.

"It may be eating through my clothes, too!"

"That may be true," agreed Clef, "but I'm not here to judge you today."

"Ooh, look! It's even dissolving the metal and declaring war on my muscles!"

"Your mission," continued Clef, ignoring the horrible pun, "will be of higher priority than usual."

"It's cleaning my hair, too! Shampoo! Mousse! Ryoga!"

"We'll do our best to carry out the mission, Lord Clef!" Yakumo announced proudly.

"It's burning my sensitive parts now!" shouted Mihoshi. "Extreme pain causes abnormally high leap!" She flew up out of the pit with her hands between her legs and her clothes in tatters, landing on her face next to Yakumo. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

"I trust you've learned a valuable lesson from this experience, Mihoshi?" ventured Clef.

"I sure did!" said Mihoshi. "Not even the strongest clothing or thickest skin is adequate protection from Lord Clef's righteous indignation!" Her uniform suddenly gave up its last shred of coherence and fell apart around her, leaving her wearing nothing but a deep blush and strategically placed black boxes. "And now my uniform has gone to pieces. Say, Sailor Pluto, can you fix my clothes?"

Sailor Pluto stepped behind Mihoshi and groaned. "Are we going to overuse this gimmick right from the start?" She waved her staff.

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Mihoshi stared despondently at the bunny costume she was wearing. "Hey, what is this? This uniform is not ACROSS standard!" She pulled at every inch of it in turn. "The waist is too tight! And it pinches my chest a bit! And the hips are too tight as well! And it doesn't cover my legs at all! But I like this cotton tail... it feels cozy."

Yakumo wiped a spot of drool from his chin. "Hey, boss, you think we can keep this costume?"

"It's certainly tempting," agreed Clef, "but needless exhibitionism is one of the things we're trying to rid the world of."

"What? Since when?" protested Yakumo.

"We're trying to cleanse this society of impurities and all things that lead to lapses in thought."

"What was that?" asked Yakumo as he continued to drool over Mihoshi's costume. "I wasn't paying attention."

"That much is clear," said Clef, tapping his staff on the floor. While Yakumo fell into the pit, he nodded to Sailor Pluto. "Please restore her normal outfit."

Pluto sighed. "That's what I get for trying to lighten the mood...."

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"There, I'm done here," said Pluto. "Now, can everyone please stop needing my services for a few minutes? I'm due to star in a Chibi-Moon lemon now."

Clef cringed. "I would make the elimination of Chibi-Moon lemons an immediate priority, if the already planned mission were not so critical."

"If the mission is critical enough to leave such an obvious example of bad taste unchecked, it must really be important," observed Mihoshi.

"Indeed," said Clef. "This mission is even more important than the eradication of Java IRC clients that I have scheduled for next week."

"Aren't we stretching the scope of this fanfic a bit too far?" Mihoshi ventured.

"Perhaps," agreed Clef. "But my character is a vehicle for the author's opinions, as it was in the original work."

Yakumo pulled himself over the lip of the pit. "So, what is this ultra-important mission you've got for us?"

"I was just getting to that," said Clef. "Now, returning to the map of F City...."

Mihoshi handed him a small package wrapped in a map. "Here you go, Lord Clef."

"Why, how thoughtful of you, Mihoshi," said Clef, pulling the map off and letting the contents fall into his lap. "A hunk of cheese?"

"Yep!" Mihoshi said proudly. "In the original Japanese, it sounds like the word for map!"

Clef's free hand twitched violently as he clenched it into a fist. "I warned you about making puns that the English readers won't understand...!"

He trailed off as a Pikachu landed in his lap. "Pikachu!" it said happily.

"Oh, what's this cute little thing?" asked Mihoshi, bending down to examine it.

"Watch out, Lord Clef!" shouted Yakumo. "That's a Pikachu! Mihoshi and I have encountered them before! They're dangerous!"

"Pikachu?" the Pikachu asked innocently, nibbling at the cheese.

Clef stroked its back. "It's so cute...."

The Pikachu perked its head up. "PIKACHU!" it called into the darkness.

"PI-KA-CHU! PI-KA-CHU!" came the responding chant as an entire spark of Pikachus marched from all sides and leapt into Clef's lap.

"This is rather uncomfortable," Clef said calmly. "But they're still cute."

"Lord Clef, be careful!" shouted Yakumo, leaping to Clef's rescue. "Pikachus may look cute, but they've got a dangerous power!" He grabbed one of the Pikachus and pulled it away from his boss.

The Pikachu's face darkened. "Pikachu..." it grumbled darkly, before sending a powerful electric shock through Yakumo's body, frying him.

Clef scratched his chin, only to discover that it was not his finger doing the scratching, but a Pikachu's tail. "Hmmm... perhaps it would be best if we divested me of these creatures."

"Don't worry, Lord Clef!" Mihoshi cried enthusiastically. "I'll take care of them for you!"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Clef put in hastily. "I wouldn't want to agitate them...."

"Don't worry," Mihoshi repeated. "I'll set my blaster to STUN." She turned a dial on her blaster, pointed it at the Pikachus, and pulled the trigger.

"Wait, Miho-" was all Clef could get out before the Pikachus leapt out of the way and the beam struck him full in the chest. Instantly, Clef's entire body turned to stone.

The nearest Pikachu climbed into the lap of the Clef statue and gazed longingly at the stone hunk of cheese. "Pikachu..." it moaned despondently.

"Whoops," said Mihoshi, scratching her head as she stared at her pistol. "That must have been the STONE setting. I always get those confused." Suddenly realizing what she'd done, she fell to her knees and bowed profusely, kissing Clef's stone feet. "I'm so sorry, Lord Clef! Please don't drop me into another pit! I really didn't mean it!"

"He's not going to drop you into a pit, bonehead," spat Yakumo. "He's a statue."

"An elephant?" repeated Mihoshi, trying to picture Clef with big floppy ears and a trunk.

Yakumo groaned. "Just turn him back so we can find out what our mission is."

Mihoshi's face curled into an embarrassed grin. "I... don't know how, exactly?"

"Man!" Yakumo lowered his head and clutched his forehead in one hand. "How are we going to advance the plot now?"

"Just leave that to me!" a voice announced proudly from the back of the room. As the pair turned to face the new character, a spotlight turned on over his head. He adjusted his glasses and posed with his finger and thumb forming a V under his chin. Heroic music played in the background.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Yakumo.

"I'm Nidoking, the author," he replied. "Everything that happens is under my control, and I can cause anything to happen, no matter how outrageous or silly it may seem. In fact, this is Excel Saga! The sillier, the better!"

"What are you -" Yakumo began before a large safe fell on top of him.

"I think we need more Yakumo death scenes," Nidoking announced.

"But what about our mission?" asked Mihoshi. "Didn't you say you could help us with the plot?"

"What plot?" asked Nidoking. "I don't remember saying anything about a plot."

"But you said...." Mihoshi's head spun around on her neck. "This time, I'm confused. I'm so confused, I forgot the tomatoes."

The safe fell onto its side as Yakumo climbed to his feet. "Are you saying THERE IS NO PLOT?"

Nidoking's eyes darted from side to side. "Well, I never actually SAID that, as such...."

"What kind of a hack writer are you if you can't even come up with a plot?" demanded Yakumo. A boulder landed on him and crushed him to death.

"Here!" Nidoking shouted quickly, grabbing a random man with long blond hair and thrusting him in front of the door. "This guy will explain everything!" He quickly ran, leaving the newcomer to fend for himself.

Mihoshi examined the man carefully, noting the large guitar slung over his back. "You're cute. What's your name?"

He reached over his shoulder and pulled the guitar to his front as if drawing a sword from a shoulder scabbard. Flipping his hair, he positioned his hands appropriately and strummed the strings, producing a grating chord. "Sauuuuuuuceeeeeeeeeeer," he sang.

Mihoshi blinked. "A police investigation?"

Suddenly, his hands flew across the strings as he picked up the pace of the song. "I'm here to tell you about the dragon, well actually it's a dragon half but it's as troublesome as a rabid fangirl, I'm so hot all the girls want to be in my fanclub, ACROSS headquarters is displeased again, YEAH!"

Yakumo slowly oozed out from under the boulder and gathered himself up. "What a racket," he complained, holding the sides of his head. "Who is that guy, anyway?"

"He seems to be an idol singer in a boy band," observed Mihoshi. "He has absolutely no skill, but I still feel the strange urge to tear all of his clothes off and...." She glanced aside at Yakumo.

"Hey, don't look at me like that!" snapped Yakumo. "I want no part of your sick yaoi fantasies!"

"Shut up!" shouted Saucer, slamming his guitar into Yakumo's head hard enough to leave a blood-spurting dent. "I'm trying to sing here!"

Mihoshi prodded her dead partner with a foot. "Are we doing a FLCL crossover now too? Is that what our mission was supposed to be?"

Saucer shrugged. "How should I know? I was just supposed to sing." He took a bow, retrieved his instrument, and swept out the door in search of glory and four more bad singers to round out his posse.

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Meanwhile, in a well-lit room on an upper floor of the F City Hall, six civil servants were busy with paperwork. Well, half of them were busy with paperwork. The youngest member of the group had no idea what she was supposed to be doing, since she couldn't read, so she was randomly stamping every document she could find. At the other end of the table, her older counterpart was too busy fending off the unwanted attentions of her neighbor to accomplish anything. It was times like these that made her wonder why she'd been created at all....

"Enough narrating," she snapped, smacking the hand that was reaching for her chest. "Just make something happen before I end up killing him."

"Aw, don't be that way, Bloodberry," whined her grabby coworker. "We both know you can't resist me!"

"True," agreed Bloodberry. "The urge to kill you is overpowering."

Taking the hint for once, he turned flirtatiously to the woman on his other side. "Say, Rally Vincent, would you mind explaining to her why I'm such an incredible hunk who -" He froze as the barrel of a customized revolver entered his mouth.

"Shut up and keep your hands away from me, Moroboshi," Rally said coldly. "And stop using my full name!"

"Mo pwovlem."

Across the table from Moroboshi, his two roommates glumly shook their heads. "He couldn't even get his work done when there were no women around at all," said the one who looked suspiciously like a woman himself.

The panda nodded and held up a sign which read [THE MORE GIRLS WE MEET], then flipped it over to reveal [THE LESS WORK WE GET DONE.]

Moroboshi sighed gratefully as Rally returned her gun to its hidden holster. "Can I help it if I'm helplessly attracted to the fine ladies I work with?"

"Nuku Nuku wants to be a fine lady too!" shouted the youngest member, leaping athletically over the table to land on top of him as a pair of metal ears sprang from the sides of her head. "Be attracted to Nuku Nuku too!"

"No way!" screamed Moroboshi. "You're just a little girl! What do you think I am, some kind of sick pervert?"

"Yes," chorused the other three, while the panda held up a sign that read the same.

"Nuriko! Genma! Not you guys too!" protested Moroboshi. "We're supposed to be compadres!"

Nuriko crossed his arms. "We just share an apartment, you lech."

[YOU'RE ONE TO TALK,] Genma pointed out. [YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A MAN....]

"Shut up!" snapped Nuriko. "You're a freaking panda, for crying out loud!"

Rally lowered her head. "You're all sick."

"I'm not sick!" shouted Moroboshi. "I want this runt off me!"

"Nuku Nuku isn't a runt! Nuku Nuku is a fine lady!"

The door opened, and the section chief strode into the room with his usual cheery air. "Hello, everyone!" he said jovially, letting the butt of his tall, crooked staff come to rest on the floor.

"Hi, Chief," said everyone who was sitting down and capable of speech.

Nuku Nuku leapt to her feet and ran to give the section leader a hug. "You think I'm a fine lady, don't you?"

He smiled. "Can't imagine why not," he said jovially.

"Yay! Yay!" cheered Nuku Nuku, leaping around the room and bouncing off every surface in sight, regardless of its orientation or stability.

Moroboshi climbed into his seat and pulled over a stack of papers to catch the blood dripping from his nose. "Yo, Chief."

"Hey, Moroboshi, what's with the nose gusher?" teased Nuriko. "You got a thing for that little one after all?"

"Not a chance, you jerk!" Moroboshi shot back. "She smacked my nose when I hit the floor, that's all!"

"Now that I have everyone's attention," the chief said jovially as Nuku Nuku bounced off his head, "I've got an important assignment for all of you today!" He leaned back and beamed benevolently, as if waiting for his employees to applaud his genius.

"Well?" Nuriko finally hazarded. "What is it?"

The chief raised an index finger slyly. "That..." he said jovially, "is a secret!"

A young woman in a tight yellow leather midriff jacket and short shorts slid into the room. "Mr. Xellos, your bath is ready."

"Sorry, everyone," Xellos said jovially, holding up an apologetic hand. "Some important government business has come up, and I must attend to it immediately." He slid backwards without changing his position at all until he was well into the hallway, then hiked up his robe and ran out of sight.

The secretary snorted. "That's the boss for ya. Never wipes that goofy smile off his face or gives a straight answer to anything."

Rally stood up. "Miss Valentine, would you mind explaining the chief's mission to us?"

"Call me Faye," replied Faye. "As far as I can tell, Mr. Xellos is expecting some kind of attack on the city, and he wants you six to deal with it."

Nuku Nuku came to a stop right in front of Faye. "I can deal with it too! I'm special! Praise me!"

Faye produced a gleaming handgun and put a bullet through Nuku Nuku's head. "Like I said, he wants the five of you to deal with it."

"What kind of threat is it?" asked Bloodberry. "And how are we supposed to stop it?"

Faye shrugged. "Beats me. I only worry about trouble with money attached. Oh, and by the way... he also wants you to use as many Japanese words and phrases as you can."

"Why?" asked Nuriko. "Or, rather, doushite?"

"Wakaranai," replied Faye. "All I could get him to say on the subject was 'Sore ha himitsu deeeeeeeeeesu!'"

"Mattaku," sighed Nuriko.

A tall man in a white coat pushed his way past Faye and knelt beside the damaged Nuku Nuku. "Hmmm... yes, yes. Definitely broken."

Faye shielded her eyes from the light reflecting off the oversized mirror strapped to the man's back. "Mori-sensei, what are you doing here?"

"Seishun," replied Dr. Mori. "My beautiful creation has been defiled, and so I must repair it." He tore Nuku Nuku's clothes off and threw them into the corner. "Ah, such a wonderful sight. Subarashii."

Faye ventured a peek and immediately kicked the doctor's head. "What the hell are you doing? The hole's in her head, not her pants!"

"This guy always creeps me out," said Moroboshi. The others nodded their assent.

Dr. Mori gave a satisfied nod. "I can fix her. I can make her better, stronger, faster. Sono technology ga aru." He put his fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly.

Sailor Pluto appeared behind him. "He calls me technology? Kuso...."

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Nuku Nuku sat up. "Wai! Wai! I'm defectively broken! Wai!"

"That's my girl," said Dr. Mori with a smile. "Ne?"

"Ne!" agreed Nuku Nuku, leaping to her feet.

Dr. Mori ruffled her hair affectionately and straightened up. "Time for me to make my exit." He whipped the mirror from his back and aimed it at the wall, reflecting the sunlight streaming in from the window onto a large spot. "REFLECTION BEAM!" he shouted, tilting the mirror slightly. The beam instantly intensified, becoming so bright that the wall disintegrated, leaving a hole wide enough for him to leap through, which he summarily did.

[HE MEANT THAT LITERALLY,] observed Genma.

"Ja bai bai!" Nuku Nuku shouted after him, waving to the hole.

Faye shook her head. "Everyone in this place is a total nutcase. I'm getting the hell out of here before I turn into one myself. Ittekimasu!" she said with a wave as she swept out the door.

"Itterasshai!" the others called as the door closed.

Rally groaned. "This is beginning to sound like a really warui fanfiction."

"Sou da!" said Moroboshi, waving a finger in the air. "I absolutely, ZETTAI NI cannot work under these conditions!"

"Urusai na, Moroboshi-kun," sighed Nuriko. "Some people actually prefer it when we talk this way."

"But that doesn't make any sense!" protested Moroboshi. "It's insane! Completely baka!"

"I wonder," said Bloodberry, "to exactly what extent are we supposed to speak in Japanese?"

"To the extent you can, darou ne," replied Rally. "Pretty much anything you know how to say in Japanese, the fanboys can figure out."

"I've been programmed with fluency in Japanese," stated Bloodberry. "I could speak circles around any fanboy, no matter how devoted."

"Sugee!" said Moroboshi. "Let's hear some!"

"Yeah, kikasete moraemasu ka, or whatever," said Rally.

Bloodberry cleared her throat. "Ano baka na hakase ha seiji no koto, zenzen shiranai hazu da na!"

"That sounds great, Bloodberry!" Xellos' voice said jovially from an unseen source. "Keep up the great work. Ganbatte ne?"

"Wai, wai!" cheered Nuku Nuku. "Uncle Xellos said ganbatte! That means Nuku Nuku has to work extra hard! Wai!" She enthusiastically grabbed the stamp pad from her desk and began to stamp everything in sight, including the desks, walls, ceiling, her coworkers, and a passing Pikachu.

"I didn't order a tattoo..." grumbled the Pikachu.

"I like that enthusiasm," Xellos said jovially. "Keep it up."

Nuriko groaned. "He's just doing this to annoy us, isn't he?"

[HONTOU NI,] agreed Genma.

"I can't read that, you aho," said Nuriko. "I don't read Japanese."

Genma turned the sign around. [GOMEN.] Nuku Nuku wasted no time in covering the sign with APPROVED stamps, as well as one REJECTED and one POSTPONED.

Rally rubbed her temples to stave off the impending migraine. "You guys think maybe we should go outside and look for the source of this attack hakase's expecting?"

"OI!" cheered everyone except Genma, who used a sign, and Nuku Nuku, who had run out of clean surfaces to stamp and was now busily covering herself from head to toe in ink.

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"Gomen! Gomen! Oh, very gomen!" Mihoshi sputtered rapidly as she wove her way down the sidewalk, bumping into every person in sight.

"Do you even know what you're saying, Mihoshi?" asked Yakumo.

"Yeah. It means 'go, men' as in 'MEN in the street, GO somewhere that's not in my way,' right?"

"That's not what it means at all!"

"Oh, gomen," said Mihoshi as she bumped into a big street tough whose belt was several sizes too large for his waist, every spare inch packed with dangerously long swords. "Gouman," she said, quickly scooting aside.

Yakumo groaned. "You and your stupid puns, Mihoshi...."

The street tough grabbed her by the collar and lifted her up to his face. "What did you just call me?" he asked.

Mihoshi pinched her nose shut. "Mazui! Your breath smells like my feet after a long workout and a hot shower in my own urine!"

The man's face screwed up in confusion as he tried to figure out what she'd just said. Then, deciding that considering it an insult would give him sufficient reason to kill her, he grabbed as many of the swords as he could hold and aimed them at Mihoshi's stomach. "That's enough outta you, missy! I'm gonna run you through!"

"Tasukete!" shouted Mihoshi. "Danger! Peril! Fried bean curd!"

"Shut up!" He thrust the swords forward, just missing as Mihoshi snaked her body between the advancing points. Yakumo, unwisely yet predictably standing behind her, received the business end of every blade.

Mihoshi stuck out her long, forked tongue and hissed as she slithered through the sharp maze and emerged unscathed. "You shouldn't play with pointy things, mister! You could have hurt someone!"

"What do you mean, could have?" burbled Yakumo through the fountain of blood as he tried to stand up.

"What kind of monster are you?" asked the brute as he slowly edged away from Mihoshi.

Mihoshi saluted him. "I'm Mihoshi, senior officer of ACROSS, the organization dedicated to taking over the Earth in some fashion or another for reasons unknown, although we don't seem to be making progress in any direction at the moment, but it's fine because our boss, the Master Mage Statue Clef, probably knows what he's doing even if I keep screwing it up week after week." She paused for thought, causing her head to emit grinding noises and small peals of smoke. "But I think once again, I've said a bit too much to a common citizen, which means that I have to kill you now!" She casually grabbed one of his swords and waved it at him. "I'm so sorry! Please try not to hold this slip-up against me!"

The man took a defensive stance and pulled a pair of katanas from behind his back. "So you say, but I believe the fight is already mine!" he announced, his lips not quite matching the words coming from his mouth.

Mihoshi's countenance became serious as she matched his stance, the light reflecting off the short sword's blade gleaming as she turned it a fraction of a degree. "It is folly to think that you have the power to stand against my swordsmanship."

"Ha! I know it was you who killed my brother, and now I have come to exact my revenge upon you for my family's honor!"

"And I know that YOU killed my third cousin on my stepbrother's half-mother's granduncle's pet budgie's side, and I don't really care about him one way or the other, but because my lip movements don't match my speech, I am sure to win!"

"Fool!" shouted the man, whose mouth continued moving in silence for several more seconds. "I too am badly dubbed! Now prepare to face the ultimate offensive technique of the Tyuu Ten Kamen School of Anything Goes But No Poking In The Eyes Swordsmanship!" He crouched down, and his eye glinted. "SHIPPU-HAPPU-NETTO-FISHY-VISHY-SWAZI-KEN-TAKI-HIPPO-DAI-INFIDEL SLASH!" With that, he leapt at Mihoshi, and the world behind him became a monochromatic moving blur.

"Then we'll have a close-up of his eyes," decreed Nidoking, and it was so.

"Sugee," said Mihoshi admiringly, reaching out to touch the moving blur and scraping her palm badly in the process. Then, she returned her attention to the fight. "And I will counter with the ultimate defensive technique of the Mihoshi School of Mihoshi-style Mihoshi fighting!" She crouched down, and her eye glinted. She quickly wiped the glint out of her eye with the back of her hand and lowered the sword. "YAKUMO BLOCK!" she shouted, holding her partner in front of herself to take the twin slash right in the chest.

"Why, Mihoshi...? Why...?" he sputtered as he collapsed.

Mihoshi let Yakumo fall to the ground, then put her finger to her chin. "Hmmm... there was something I was supposed to be doing.... Oh, right." The mercenary glint returned to her eyes as she swung the sword in a full circle. "RANDOM HAPLESS STRANGER DISEMBOWELING ATTACK!"

@@@In order to protect the sensibilities of our readers, we present the following scene from a restaurant at the other side of F City, F Prefecture as an alternative to the violent scene that would otherwise occupy this space.@@@

"Ah, quite good," said the Frenchman as he wiped his mouth with the cloth napkin. "You have very fine cuisine. But I'm certain I couldn't eat another bite."

"Are you sure you won't have dessert, Mr. Descartes?" asked the waitress, gesturing to a bountiful tray of plastic models of cakes and ice creams.

"No, I think not," said Descartes, who promptly ceased to exist.

"Hey! You can't vanish without paying your bill!" the waitress exclaimed to the vacant, smoking chair.

@@@We now return you to the scene already in progress.@@@

- blood spurting everywhere as his leg bone shattered -

@@@Oops, it seems we didn't wait quite long enough. Let's get back to the restaurant.@@@

"You know, this wasn't a very funny scene," said one of the men at the table in the corner.

"So?" Nidoking countered wittily.

"And that wasn't witty at all," his companion noted. A safe fell from the sky and crushed him.

"My story, my rules," Nidoking said wistfully, puffing on his wooden pipe. "MY SHOES." He coughed violently. "What the hell am I doing?" he wondered aloud. "I don't smoke!"

@@@And by Nidoking's command, the bloody carnage has ended, so we may safely return to the story.@@@

Mihoshi huffed and wheezed as she let the blood-stained sword drop from her fingers to land in the lake of blood at her feet. "Mission accomplished," she announced.

"Okay, I'm convinced! You're dangerous!" screamed the sword-wielding man as he ran away at full speed.

Mihoshi kicked what was left of Yakumo's corpse. "Daijoubu, Yacchan. He's learned his lesson. You can stop being dead now." Another kick failed to produce any results. "Oh dear. Maybe I've killed him so completely that he won't ever come back this time." She shrugged. "Oh well. Time to get on with carrying out my mission." She scratched her head. "Oh, right. I don't know what my mission is." She pointed to the horizon. "WHO CARES! The ideals of ACROSS won't be accomplished if I just stand around doing nothing!" She strode off down the street, kicking passing Pikachus as she went.

"That's about the best chance ACROSS has...." mumbled Yakumo as he slowly pulled himself together.

*************************************************

As slow, melancholy guitar music played in the background, a lone worker stared up at the soon-to-be tool of his new trade. "This is my job," he whispered to himself. "It's what I have to do. It's what I was born to do." He clenched his fists. "It's my destiny! I have no choice! I have to do it!" He raised those fists to the sky. "I mustn't run away!"

Suddenly, he was curled up in a ball, moaning softly to himself. "Mommy... I don't want to do it."

"Shinji!" called his supervisor. "What's the holdup?"

Shinji climbed to his feet. "I don't know if I can go through with this. It's too dangerous!"

"You knew what the risks were when you signed up for this job, Ikari," replied the supervisor. "You either get in the plug, or you walk away and never show your ugly mug around here again."

There it was. The out. His ticket to freedom. He turned around and saw a multitude of angels hovering in the sky, holding the kanji for "freedom" in their tiny baby-sized hands. He turned back to see the yawning mouth of the entry plug awaiting him, planning to close on him and envelop him in the endless darkness of death. He had to choose. Freedom or death. Freedom, death. Freedom... death.... The inside of the entry plug smelled like blood.

"Well, what's it gonna be, Ikari?" asked the supervisor.

"What?" Shinji shouted back. "I can't hear you over the slow, melancholy guitar music!"

"That's it, son," said the supervisor. "Report to the decon showers and turn in your suit. You're fired!"

Shinji heaved a sigh of relief and let his head drop. It was over. The nightmare had ended before it could begin. He would never have to -

"Oops, sorry!" Mihoshi shouted as she ran past, bumping into Shinji with enough force to cost him his balance. He tripped over a pile of dirt and fell head over heels through the opening in the entry plug, which quickly sealed shut. A mechanical arm lifted the plug to the back of the giant robot and inserted it into a hole in the back of the mecha's neck, where it spun into place. Giant metal plates descended to cover the opening, and the robot stood up.

"Ikari! You get out of that Eva unit THIS INSTANT!" screamed the supervisor, but it was no use. The Eva's eyes blinked twice, and then the giant metal monstrosity tore free of its restrictive housings and began to trudge across F City, F Prefecture, destroying everything it stepped on.

"This can't be happening!" shouted Shinji. "My nightmare has come true! And I'm not getting paid for doing this!" The Eva threw back its head as Shinji's scream echoed across the country. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mihoshi stared up at the Eva as it walked right past her. "Man, I'd hate to see the person whose forehead THAT thing popped out of!"

*************************************************

NIDOKING: So, what do you think, sir?

RIKDO: Push the button, Frank.

NIDOKING: You're the dub Rikdo, aren't you?

RIKDO: What gave it away?

@@@COMMERCIAL BREAK@@@

The Sailor Scouts are about to face a very different kind of enemy from anything they've ever fought before...

"I'm Ranma Saotome," said the boy. "And I'm here to kill you."

Several enemies, who know their secrets....

Mina lost her footing and fell onto her back with a scream. "L-Lina Inverse!"  
  
Lina's eyes popped open. "So, you remember me. That's good. It means I don't have to introduce myself.  
And just to save you the trouble, I know exactly who you are as well... Sailor Venus."

Enemies with powers unlike anything they've ever seen before....

Mewtwo stood up to face the tiara as it approached. "Useless." The blue lights flared in its visor, and the  
tiara spun off to the side, missing Mewtwo by half the width of the street.  
  
"No!" cried Mercury. "We were so close!"

Enemies that cannot be defeated by any means at their disposal....

Venus quickly backed away, firing her Crescent Beam repeatedly to keep Cell at bay, but he pushed his  
way forward through the constant barrage. Suddenly, Sailor Moon's tiara flew over Venus' head and  
sliced through Cell's neck, decapitating him. Venus sighed her relief. "Finally! It's over!"  
Before Venus could inhale, the stump of Cell's neck bulged, and a new head sprouted forth. Cell tilted  
his head from one side to the other, casually cracking his neck as if losing and regrowing his head was a  
common experience for him.  
"He's unstoppable!" whined Sailor Moon. "We're never going to beat him!"

A General Time Paradox

Read it today. 

@@@BACK TO THE SHOW@@@

RALLY: Is something going to happen this time around?

MOROBOSHI: Tabun ne.

*************************************************

"So, what's going to happen next?" asked the generic bad fanfiction author, his words slightly distorted by the finger jammed up his left nostril.

Nidoking shrugged. "I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Obviously, they have to do something about the giant Evangelion that's destroying the city."

"Why don't you just do it yourself?" asked the author. "After all, you're the self-insert. It's your JOB to totally kick ass and save the day because the main characters in your story are wimps."

Nidoking shrugged. "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm lazy."

"Lazy nothing!" retorted the author. "It's just words on a page! You'll be typing whether you take the easy way out or come up with some other bogus solution! If you just take the obvious solution, you won't have to waste time thinking about it!"

Nidoking shrugged. "Sure, that's what the mainstream does, but I thought Excel Saga was all about going AGAINST the mainstream."

The author sighed. "But you're parodying bad fanfiction! How can you do that without making use of some of the conventions in the original format?"

A giant purple metal foot smashed through the ceiling and landed on the author, crushing him to death. The sufferers of atrocious grammar and plotless pornography the world over cheered.

Nidoking shrugged. "Use my imagination, I guess." He stuck out his foot and casually tripped the Eva, knocking it flat on its face. "But maybe he had a point, in a way. That was kinda fun."

*************************************************

"Mita ka?" exclaimed Moroboshi from the roof of City Hall, handing the binoculars to Rally. "It just tripped on something and fell down!"

"Of course I saw it, you bonehead," replied Rally, ignoring the eyepiece. "It's big enough to be seen from J City."

"But we're not in J City," he reminded her.

Nuriko groaned. "Do you listen to yourself, Moroboshi? Do you ever pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth?"

"What words?" he asked, watching as a large speech balloon formed over his head with the words "What words?" printed in it. "Oh, that?" he asked, pointing to it. "Yeah, I see that all the time!"

[WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT SEEING YOUR WORDS?] asked Genma.

"You would ask that," said Nuriko.

Bloodberry's eyes returned to their normal hue as she finished her scan. "It seems to be a manmade construction, operated by a human pilot," she announced. "It's surrounded by an impenetrable shield."

Nuku Nuku also finished her scan. "The building next door has chocolate!" she announced.

"So how can we defeat it?" Rally asked, ignoring the younger android.

"I'll have to do it alone," said Bloodberry.

"No, I can help!" insisted Nuku Nuku.

"I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.

"No, I can help!" whined Nuku Nuku.

"I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.

"No, I can help!" pleaded Nuku Nuku.

Bloodberry calmly produced a length of rope and hogtied Nuku Nuku. "I'll have to do it alone," she said, stuffing a gag in Nuku Nuku's mouth.

"Mmph! Mm cmm hmmm!" Nuku Nuku screamed into the gag.

"Tetsudanee, urusai," said Bloodberry as she stood triumphantly over her younger counterpart.

"Oh, man, are we back to the Japanese again?" groaned Rally.

"We have no choice," replied Bloodberry. "Hakase's orders are orders."

"Yep," agreed Nuriko. "If you want to get your kyuuryou at the end of the isshuukan, you'll have to hanasu in nihongo."

"That's just creepy," said Rally, edging away from Nuriko. "Don't mix in so many Japanese words."

"Don't you mean 'kowai'?" suggested Moroboshi.

Rally grabbed the hand that was prodding her behind and pulled it firmly away while she drew a pistol with the other hand and rammed it up Moroboshi's left nostril. "I think 'hentai' covers you pretty well, doesn't it? How'd you like to add 'shinderu' to the list?"

"Shin...de..." he repeated, rolling the syllables on his tongue as he tried to reverse conjugate the verb and determine the standard form. When he'd figured it out, he did his best to shake his head while impeded by the firearm still lodged in his nose. "No thanks. Just 'hentai' works for me." His eyes dropped to Nuku Nuku. "You know, there's something appealing about a girl who's tied up...."

"SUGOKU hentai," muttered Nuriko.

Moroboshi smacked himself in the face several times. "No! No! Iya da! She's just a kodomo!"

"Not to mention a robot," Nuriko pointed out.

Nuku Nuku spat out the gag. "Android!"

Nuriko tapped Moroboshi on the shoulder, making his arm go numb. "Say, did you see which way Bloodberry went?"

Moroboshi spun around, taking in the five people - or rather, three people, one panda, and one tied-up android - who remained on the rooftop. "She's gone!" The color drained from his face, which didn't change his appearance noticeably. "Don't tell me she...." He ran to the edge of the roof and leaned over, nearly plunging to a messy death before he caught himself on the ledge and peered down toward the giant robot that was just getting to its feet in the streets below, as well as the nubile android running toward it at full speed. "BLOODBERRY!"

*************************************************

With one final powerful blow from Bloodberry, the Eva finally shuddered for its final time and collapsed face-first onto the street, incidentally crushing nearly every one of the buildings that had formerly remained standing after the intense battle. Bloodberry stood tall over the metal corpse, her hair and eyes glinting in the sunlight with highlights 28% shinier than industry standard.

"Bloodberry!" cheered Moroboshi as he ran up the sheer side of the robot, arms outstretched.

"Ataru!" Bloodberry called back, running to meet him halfway. They leapt into each other's arms, not caring where gravity decided to take them.

"I'm so glad I got to know you!" Bloodberry cried breathlessly. "You're such a wonderful man, and I still don't know what it means to be a real woman!"

"Don't worry," he assured her. "I'll teach you what it means."

"I want you to teach me how to buy shoes, and how to balance a checkbook, and how to squeal when a man grabs me inappropriately!"

"All those things are important for a woman," agreed Moroboshi, "but why don't we skip all of that and go right to the final lesson?"

He grabbed her inappropriately.

She squealed blissfully.

They melted into each other as they rose into the sky. Around them, everyone inexplicably dissolved into puddles of orange goo while a cross-shaped nuclear reaction rent the clouds above them. But the lovers didn't care. They were finally one, as it was intended all along....

*************************************************

Back in the real world outside Moroboshi's demented imagination, Bloodberry smacked into an invisible shield several yards from the Eva and fell onto her back.

"BLOODBERRY!" Moroboshi screamed again. "How could this happen! You were so beautiful, and we never had a chance to explore our love!"

"She's not dead, you idiot," said Rally. "She just fell down."

Moroboshi turned to look up at her with tears in his eyes. "Rally Vincent... you DO care about me!" He hopped to his feet to hug her, but the familiar barrel of her pistol stopped him short.

"Don't use my full name, sukebe," she warned him.

"Hate to break up the tender moment," said Nuriko, "but it looks like Bloodberry could use our help."

[WHAT DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO AGAINST *THAT*?] asked Genma.

Nuriko rolled up a sleeve, brandishing his iron-hard bicep. "You have to ask?"

"Strength alone isn't going to win this battle," said Rally. "We're going to need firepower."

Nuriko nodded. "Right, what have you got?"

"Not much on me, I'm afraid," admitted Rally. "But there's plenty of artillery back at the shop."

"Nuku Nuku has weapons!" cried the trussed android. "Let me help, onegai shimasu!"

"Good idea," said Nuriko. He picked up Nuku Nuku and slung her over his shoulder. "Just remember to tell me where your trigger is when the time comes." He pointed toward the Eva in the distance. "Minna, ikusee!"

"Hey, no fair!" whined Nuku Nuku as they leapt from the rooftop, traversing the maze of successively shorter buildings that would lead to their target. "HANASE!"

*************************************************

"Is it my turn yet?" asked Mihoshi. "It's not fair! It's already the fifth scene of the second half, and I haven't even appeared yet!"

"You're appearing now," Yakumo informed her. "And you were in most of the first half."

"But that's not enough!" protested Mihoshi. "I'm the star of the story! I'm supposed to be in EVERY scene!"

"Personally, I'd rather appear a lot less," said Yakumo. "I'm tired of dying all the time." Rather predictably, a piano landed on him and crushed him to death.

"Be more careful when throwing pianos out the window!" said an admonishing voice from the window above. "You could have killed somebody!"

"It's okay, honey," responded another voice. "It just landed in the middle of that spreading pool of blood."

"Oh, no!" cried Mihoshi. "Yakumo's dead again! What can I do?"

A miniature winged man appeared on her left shoulder, dressed completely in black. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked. "The city's getting demolished, and it's your fault! I say get the heck out of here while the getting's good!"

"That sounds like very good advice," said Mihoshi. "But who are you?"

The tiny man scowled. "Don't you recognize me? I'm Koryu, your bad conscience! I told you to join ACROSS, I told you to turn Clef into a statue, and I've told you to kill Yakumo hundreds of times."

"Oh, yeah," said Mihoshi. "I remember now. But what about my good conscience?"

Mihoshi turned to the winged woman on her other shoulder, who was clothed in nothing but a copious curtain of flowing blonde hair. Her eyes widened as she realized it was her turn to speak, and she cleared her throat delicately. "Go into your heart. You have to remodel the queen's plan! The incorrect preface is playing with the clouds!"

Koryu shook his head. "Rane never makes any sense anyway."

Rane sighed heavily. "I can't leave the mainland," she agreed.

"Oh, what can I do?" sobbed Mihoshi. "I want to obey my good conscience, but I can't understand what she's saying! Is this why I'm always doing such bad things?"

"You're not a laughingstock," Rane assured her.

"I'd say you're plenty laughable," countered Koryu. "Meanwhile, what do you plan to do about that robot?"

Mihoshi turned to Rane. "What should I do?" she asked.

"Warmth!"

Mihoshi turned to Koryu. "And what do you say?"

Koryu shrugged. "Someone will probably take care of it eventually."

Mihoshi nodded. "Then I'll have to help them in any way I can!" she decided. She sat down at the piano and began to play one of Beethoven's louder and faster moving symphonies as background music for the next scene.

*************************************************

The massive machine swung its legs toward the sky and leapt to its feet in a single fluid motion. It spun around on one toe, kicking out with the other leg and knocking Bloodberry out of the air, then stomped on the ground hard, narrowly missing the rest of the crew as they struggled to catch up.

"This is a war... even though I don't like it..." said Shinji, as the Eva reached behind its back and drew forth a knife handle. With a soft hum, a ludicrously long orange blade emerged from the handle. The music crescendoed as the blade swung down, right at where Bloodberry had fallen.

"BLOODBERRY!" shouted Moroboshi, running to what he could only hope would be her rescue.

The sword hit the ground hard, sending up a huge cloud of dust and gouging a trench through the land where several apartment complexes had been. Moroboshi drew to a halt several blocks away, staring at the blade in horror. "BLOODBERRY!" he shouted again.

"Hey, keep it down," groaned Bloodberry. "This is hard enough without you distracting me!"

"Eh?" Moroboshi looked up to see Bloodberry holding the giant blade above her head with both hands, preventing it from crushing her, or slicing her in half, or incinerating her, or whatever fate would have awaited her had the blade struck. "Bloodberry! You're alive!"

"That's not technically true," replied Bloodberry. "But I haven't been destroyed yet."

Moroboshi stared at the scene and scratched his head. "But how can you be holding up a blade made entirely out of energy?"

"BAKA!" cried Bloodberry. "Don't bring real-life physics into this, or -" At that, her hands sank easily into the massless blade, and the sword completed its arc, wiping her out of existence.

Moroboshi grabbed the sides of his head and started tearing his hair out. "I'm such an idiot! Why did I have to break the fourth wall? I have to fix it! Hayaku, someone get me some bricks and plaster!"

"Oh, get over it," said Bloodberry from beside him. "It could be worse."

Moroboshi's eyes grew wide, and he turned to throw his arms around Bloodberry, who held him at arm's length just in time. "Bloodberry! You're alive - or whatever - again!"

"I'm not the same Bloodberry," she pointed out. "I'm just a copy of the original."

Moroboshi scratched his head. "Coffee?"

Bloodberry scooped him up and leapt out of the way as the sword swung sideways at them. "Less talking and more dodging! We'll never survive at this rate, much less take out this robot!" The pair landed on the roof of a van, which immediately accelerated and took off as a giant metal foot landed in the space where it had been.

"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!" shouted Moroboshi, falling onto his stomach and grabbing at the sides of the roof.

"Have I seen this van before?" Bloodberry wondered aloud as the van pulled to a stop in front of the rest of the City Defenders. She hopped lightly to the ground, pulling Moroboshi with her.

The side door slid open, revealing the beaming Xellos in his bathrobe. "I'm glad to see that you all arrived in time to deal with this giant robot!" he said jovially.

"What are we supposed to do against it?" asked Nuriko. "We can't even get close!"

"Don't worry," Xellos assured him jovially. "I brought your Daiten suits with me."

"Dame da yo!" shouted Moroboshi. "I'm not wearing that ridiculous costume ever again!"

"Oh dear," Xellos moaned jovially. "Then it appears that our town is doomed!"

Rally sighed. "I'm afraid he's right," she announced. "This is the only way to stop it."

"I have to agree with Moroboshi on this one," said Nuriko. "I mean, at least you girls look good in yours. We look like a bunch of freaks."

"Especially Genma," said Moroboshi, jerking a thumb at the panda.

[IT'S BETTER THAN TURNING INTO A FAT, BALD MAN,] Genma pointed out.

"Come on," said Bloodberry, deciding the matter for all of them. "Let's untie Nuku Nuku and get this over with."

"Wai! Oneechan sugoi!" cheered Nuku Nuku. She easily broke the ropes and landed on her feet, jumping for joy at her imminent liberation.

"That's the spirit!" Xellos chimed in jovially. "Sassuga my team!"

Bloodberry smacked her forehead with her palm. "Anna yatsu..."

*************************************************

INSERT HEROIC SCENE CHANGE HERE. INSERT 2 CREDITS TO CONTINUE.

*************************************************

"Wai!" Nuku Nuku cheered again, leaping into the air to better show off her pastel blue uniform. "I feel so kawaii and cuddly!"

Rally, clad in an identical lime green bodysuit, scratched her head as best she could through the awkward mittens that prevented her from using her fingers. "Tell me again why these suits don't have fingers or feet?"

"It's based on some dumb cartoon," said Bloodberry, whose pink suit went well with her bright orange hair. "Powerbar Girls or something like that."

A giant sweatdrop ran down the back of Rally's head. "Is that the best they could come up with?"

"Could be worse," said Bloodberry. "It could have been A-Ko, B-Ko, and C-Ko."

Rally shuddered at the image of Nuku Nuku playing C-Ko. "I think I'll stick with the Powerbars."

"Easy for you to say," grumbled Moroboshi. "At least you guys get suits that enhance your powers."

Rally leapt off the ground and hovered, a mini-jetpack on her back keeping her in the air. "I suppose so... but you guys look pretty cute in those outfits."

"I DON'T WANT TO LOOK CUTE!" shouted Moroboshi. "This is just plain hazukashii!"

"The blond wigs suit you," Bloodberry put in.

"And you get nifty musical instruments!" chimed Nuku Nuku. "Nuku Nuku wants one!"

"You can have mine!" Moroboshi willingly offered, trying to lift the guitar strap from around his neck. "What the - this thing's stapled to my shirt!"

"It's part of the costume," said Nuriko. "We can't take them off."

"What, aren't you strong enough?" asked Moroboshi.

Nuriko flipped his newly blond long hair. "I actually kind of like this costume."

"You would!" Moroboshi shot back.

"Hey, we needed a trio of easily recognizable male characters."

[But HANSON?] asked Genma from behind the massive drum set. [Whose baka idea was this, anyway?]

"It looks REALLY weird when you mix up Japanese and English writing," said Nuriko, ignoring the question.

"Enough talk," said Rally. "It's time to take action!" She flew straight at the Evangelion, lowering the special goggles that would allow her to fire lasers from her eyes.

"I recommend we come up with a plan of attack rather than just rushing in blindly!" shouted Bloodberry, taking off after her.

"What's to stop me from just pounding this thing with my super-strength?" asked Rally, seconds before she crumpled against an invisible wall.

"The forcefield," Bloodberry replied disdainfully.

Nuku Nuku soared past, with her head down and her feet pointing to the sky. "Whee! Flying is fun!"

"Was she that hyper in canon?" wondered Bloodberry.

Rally floated up to Bloodberry's side, her face bruised and bloody from her high-speed impact. "Okay, so what's your plan?"

Bloodberry rubbed her chin with her round, stubby hand and thought. "Well, we obviously can't fly through this invisible barrier. Maybe we should try our laser eye-beams."

"Fine by me." They squinted at the Eva and fired two pairs of laser beams at it. They struck the forcefield squarely, revealing a tessellated pattern of red hexagons with the words ACCESS DENIED in each as the beams spread over the surface of the shield, not even able to penetrate at the seams.

"I don't think it's working," said Bloodberry as she turned to Rally.

Rally leapt upward and spread her legs, narrowly avoiding being sliced in half by Bloodberry's eye-beams. "Hey, watch what you're shooting at!"

"Gomen nasai," said Bloodberry. "I can't see a thing while the lasers are firing."

"Well, brute force doesn't work, and planning doesn't seem to have helped," assessed Rally. "So, what's left?"

"I've seen this one!" Nuku Nuku shouted excitedly as she popped up between them. "Nuku Nuku knows what to do!" She flew around the robot in a spiral and came to a stop right in front of its face.

"Hey, come back here!" shouted Rally. She started to fly to Nuku Nuku's rescue, but Bloodberry held her back.

"I want to see what she does," said the larger android.

"She'll get herself killed!" protested Rally.

"And that's what I want to see," agreed Bloodberry.

Nuku Nuku threaded her fingers together and made her best pouty face. "Mr. Robot, I know you're really big and all and can't really help that you smash stuff wherever you go, but there are a lot of people who live in this town, and we'd all really appreciate it if you'd stop destroying our homes and go somewhere else. Pretty please with a yummy fish on top?"

The robot stared at her with its glowing eyes.

Nuku Nuku smiled and batted her eyelids.

The Eva raised a hand, curled its forefinger, and casually flicked Nuku Nuku over the horizon.

Bloodberry shrugged. "Well, that settles it. I'd say we're officially screwed."

"Aha!" shouted Moroboshi, pointing his finger toward the heavens. "Men, it's our time to shine! I know we may hate it, but our special attack is lethal and drives the ladies wild at the same time!" He scratched his chin. "On second thought, why was I so opposed to this? LET'S DO IT, MINNA!" He strummed his guitar strings and hummed, charging up the trio's most lethal (and only) attack. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...."

"We'd better move," advised Bloodberry. "I don't know what they're going to do, but I have a feeling we don't want to be in the way of it." She and Rally darted in opposite directions, leaving the Eva alone in the path of the impending strike.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...." the group hummed, Moroboshi and Nuriko dueling to see whose chords could clash most garishly while Genma pounded on every part of the drum set that wasn't meant to be pounded. Suddenly, the "music" reached a crescendo, and they abruptly ended with a resounding "MMMMMMMMM-BOP!" A solid wall of sound exploded outward, knocking down buildings and tearing up the sidewalk in its wake. The Eva fell down as the soundwave breached its barrier, landing on its back. Within seconds, it was getting to its feet again.

"What?" protested Moroboshi. "That attack should have stripped the armor right off that thing! What went wrong?"

"I don't think we were operating at full power," said Nuriko. "We didn't get our full sound."

The two of them glanced down at their instruments, then turned in unison to glare at Genma.

[WHAT?] Genma asked defensively. [I'M LUCKY I CAN HUM.]

Nuriko sighed. "I guess he's got a point."

"Oh, excuse me! I mean, gomen! Oh, I don't know what I mean!" cried a pathetic voice that steadily moved toward them, bumping into everything in its path. Mihoshi arrived on the scene, dragging the unconscious Yakumo on the ground behind her so that his head constantly bounced on the hard pavement as she ran.

"Hey, here comes your boyfriend," murmured Moroboshi. Nuriko's jaw dropped to the ground.

Mihoshi stopped in front of the trio and squealed happily. "Ooh! It's that popular boy band, Handsome! You guys are SOOOOOO sugoi!"

Moroboshi blushed. "Well, we are pretty cool...."

[THESE ARE JUST COSTUMES,] said Genma.

Mihoshi deflated. "Oh. In that case, have you guys seen a giant robot that's destroying the city?"

The three wordlessly pointed up at the Eva that dominated the entire view of what had once been a relatively peaceful and intact city.

Mihoshi dropped Yakumo and turned to face the Eva. "Okay, giant robot! It's time to fight!"

"Are you dense?" asked Moroboshi. "You can't go up against that thing! You'd have to be Superman to stand a chance!"

Mihoshi's eye gleamed. "I may not be Superman, or even Spiderman, but I have a strong heart and the will to succeed! These will be my weapons!" She pointed at the Eva, and a giant stone carved in the shape of the kanji for "heart" landed on it, breaking in two from the impact. "My heart is broken!" whined Mihoshi.

Yakumo woke up just in time to see one of the giant pieces of stone about to land on him. Suddenly, a strong hand yanked him out of the way a split second before the stone hit, leaving a giant crater where he had been. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed. "Arigatou," he said, then caught himself. "Wait... I'm the straight man in this story. Why am *I* speaking nihon- I mean, Japango?"

"Sekushii nara," replied Nuriko, whirling Yakumo around to face his rescuer. "Now give me a kiss, you hunk of man you."

Yakumo recoiled and pulled back. "Ew! No way! Last time I fell for that one, you turned out to be a man!"

"I still am," said Nuriko. "Is there a problem with that?"

"I don't kiss guys!" shouted Yakumo. "Now let go of me!"

Instead, Nuriko wrapped his arms tightly around Yakumo and squeezed. "Fine! Then I'll settle for a hug!"

"Better watch that, Nuriko," warned Moroboshi. "Don't forget your incredible tsuyosa."

"My incredible WHAT?"

Yakumo gasped. "Can't... breathe! Too... strong!"

"Oh, that." Nuriko reluctantly let go.

"Geez... watch what you're doing next time," wheezed Yakumo as he tried to catch his breath. "I thought I was going to die again."

Mihoshi shook her head disapprovingly. "You really should learn to stop saying that, Yakumo," she admonished him. "You know what's going to happen every time."

"What's going to -" he started to ask before the Eva, bored with being ignored for so long, stomped him into a bloody smear.

Nuriko's face drained of color, and he turned around to vomit.

"Whoa," said Moroboshi. "That's one seriously unlucky guy."

"That does it!" Mihoshi shouted at the Eva. "Nobody makes Yakumo die but ME!" She tore off her jacket and threw it angrily to the ground, only to recover it when she realized that she wasn't wearing anything underneath. She pulled it on, wiping briefly at the bloodstains on the sleeve from Moroboshi's nosebleed, and stared into the Eva's face without a trace of fear. "It's time to use the secret weapon I've been saving for just this moment."

Bloodberry and Rally landed lightly behind her. "You think she's got a plan?" asked Rally.

"Her emotional response suggests that she is in control of the situation," replied Bloodberry.

Mihoshi fanned out the cards in her hand and pulled one out. "Your giant robot is no match for my Blue Eyes White Dragon!" she shouted, slamming the card onto the ground face up and stepping back.

The card sat in the street, inert.

"Well, that's weird," said Mihoshi, scratching her head. "In the commercials, a dragon always came out of it."

"Baka!" snapped Bloodberry. "What do you think this is, an anime?"

"Maybe I'm supposed to sacrifice something weaker in order to play this one," Mihoshi continued obliviously. "Hey, Yakumo, are you alive yet? I need your help here!"

"Forget it," grumbled Yakumo. "I'm not your sacrificial -" Once again, he was cut off as Nuriko scooped him up.

"You're alive! It's a miracle!" cheered Nuriko, squeezing Yakumo so hard that his body instantly broke in two. "Ara...."

"This robot is going to kill us all if we don't do something!" said Rally.

"Then I'll have to resort to my OTHER secret weapon!" said Mihoshi. "Pikachu, I choose you!" She snatched up a Pikachu that was lapping at Yakumo's blood and hurled it at the Eva with all her might.

"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" the Pikachu cried as it flew toward the robot. It smacked into the Eva's chest facefirst and slowly slid down the smooth armor plates.

"Strike two," said Moroboshi.

The Eva casually peeled the Pikachu off its chest and held it up to its face, squinting curiously at the tiny creature. The Pikachu's warped face curled into a cruel grin. "Pika... CHUUUUUUUUUU!" it shouted, zapping the Eva with one point twenty-one gigawatts of electricity. Had the Eva been traveling at exactly 88 miles per hour at the time, that probably would have been the end of it, but as it was standing still, it simply cooked a bit and dropped the Pikachu as it convulsed.

"Wow. That is one dangerous stuffed animal," remarked Moroboshi. The Pikachu shocked him.

Bloodberry's eyes glazed over. "Its shield is down," she reported. "The enemy should now be vulnerable to our attacks."

"I hear you!" shouted Rally. "Let's show this oversized Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot who's boss!" She leapt into the sky and blasted the Eva with her eye lasers. The Eva blocked the beams with its hand and grabbed her in a massive fist.

Rally struggled in vain to escape. "Dame da! It's too strong!"

"Oi!" Moroboshi shouted indignantly at the Eva. "Nobody manhandles Rally Vincent but me!"

Rally craned her neck to glare in the general direction of the van in the street below. "Hey, hakase! I thought these suits were supposed to give us super strength!"

Xellos scratched his chin. "Is that right?" He snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot to include something in the design plans!" he remarked jovially.

"Wonderful," groaned Rally.

Nuriko bravely stepped forward. "If it's super strength you need, then I'm your man!"

"That's a man?" asked Mihoshi.

Nuriko charged at the nearest giant metal foot and wrapped his arms around the toes. With a deep grunt of exertion, he picked the Eva up and hurled it into the sky. "There we go," he announced, wiping his hands in satisfaction. "That should take care of that."

[WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO SAVE RALLY FIRST?] asked Genma.

Nuriko's hands stopped in mid-motion. "Oh, yeah. Oops."

Yakumo stared up at the flying Eva, shielding his eyes from the sunlight. "At least that's ONE thing that's not going to kill me anymore."

Suddenly, a tiny object slammed into the flying machine, diverting it from its path to land right on top of Yakumo. The object in question peeled herself off the Eva's head and leapt lightly to the ground. "Wai, that was fun!" she cheered. "Let's do it again!"

"Nuku Nuku, stop that," said Bloodberry. "First, apologize to the man you just killed."

Nuku Nuku solemnly bowed to the fallen Eva. "Sumimasen," she said.

"Shouldn't that be 'namu amida'?" asked Moroboshi.

"No!" snapped Nuriko. "He'll come back to life again! This is just a temporary condition!"

Rally finally forced the downed Eva's fingers open and climbed to the ground. As soon as she was on her feet, she drew a Magnum and leveled it at Mihoshi's head. "Who are you, and what's your connection to this big robot?"

"What big robot?" Mihoshi asked cluelessly.

"The one that just crushed your partner," explained Moroboshi.

"My partner's not crushed!" Mihoshi retorted with a smile. She reached under the Eva and pulled out the completely intact Yakumo. "See?"

"I'm not dead!" moaned Yakumo. "I feel fine! I think I'll go for a walk!"

Rally let the gun fall from her fingers in shock -- which wasn't hard, considering that the fingers in question were still tucked away inside her mitten. "How... how does he keep doing that?"

"It's a secret," said Mihoshi, sticking out her tongue at Rally.

"Hmmm..." Xellos quietly, jovially muttered to himself. "What an interesting girl."

"Come on," said Yakumo, grabbing Mihoshi's hand and pulling her along. "We have to go."

"Wait!" Rally called after them. "One more question!"

Nuriko slapped his hand over her mouth. "Can I at least have your phone number?"

Yakumo raised his middle finger over his shoulder as he walked steadily out of sight.

Nuriko jotted this down in a notebook. "One... okay, what's the next number?"

"He's gone," Moroboshi said dryly.

Nuriko growled and tore the notebook in half. "How could I have let him walk out of my life again? What's that girl got that I don't?"

[MUNE.] said Genma.

"Boobs," translated Moroboshi. "Nice ones, too."

"And what do you call these?" asked Nuriko, fondling his chest demonstratively. His left breast deflated with a sharp hissing sound.

"Balloons," Moroboshi supplied unnecessarily.

Genma held his sides and rolled on the ground, barely able to hold up the sign that said [HA HA HA!]

"Why, you... jerks!" shouted Nuriko, raising his fists.

"Uh, oh," said Moroboshi. "I think he's pretty pissed." He hauled Genma to his feet, and the two of them fled at full speed with Nuriko close behind.

Nuku Nuku turned to Bloodberry. "Oneechan, is Nuku Nuku going to grow big balloons like Nuriko-niisan had?"

Bloodberry patted Nuku Nuku's head affectionately. "No. You're always going to be a flat-chested little brat."

"Awww...."

"Come on," urged Rally. "Let's get the heck out of here and change out of these ridiculous costumes."

The androids nodded, and the three women turned on their jetpacks and flew off toward City Hall.

"That was certainly entertaining," Xellos said jovially. "We'll have to do it again sometime." The door of the van slammed closed, and the van took off at illegal, quasi-relativistic speed down the crowded streets of F City.

"Um, hello?" called a voice from deep within the Eva. "Can someone help me? I'm stuck inside this thing! I think I landed on the exit hatch...." Shinji took a deep breath and sighed. "There's only one thing to say in a situation like this....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

*************************************************

"Well, I suppose it all worked out in the end," said Sailor Pluto. "And I didn't have to lift a finger this time."

"Indeed it did," agreed Nidoking. He took a sip of his iced tea. "So, wanna go have sex or something?"

She smacked him across the face. "Ecchi! What do you think I am, some cheap prostitute?"

Nidoking shrugged. "I AM the self-insert, after all." He raised his eyebrows teasingly.

Pluto sighed. "Fine," she muttered, pulling her leotard down over her shoulders. "Let's get this over with."

*************************************************

"Hail, Lord Clef!" Mihoshi shouted enthusiastically as she saluted the throne in which Master Mage Clef was seated.

"Um, Mihoshi... he's still a statue," Yakumo reminded her.

"Welcome back, both of you," said Clef's voice from the direction of the throne.

Yakumo lost his balance and fell flat on his face. "Lord Clef! But how...?"

"Just because I'm made of stone doesn't mean that I've lost my magic," replied Clef's voice. "My body can't move, but my spirit isn't bound by the physical world. It can inhabit any body I choose."

Mihoshi patted herself down. "I don't feel a kokoro inside of me."

"Stop that," ordered Clef. "There will be no Japanese used in my presence."

"Hai!" shouted Mihoshi. The floor under her feet vanished, and she plunged into the pit.

"What body have you chosen?" asked Yakumo. "I can't see anyone here."

There was a long pause, its silence broken only by a faint splash from the bottom of the pit.

Finally, Clef spoke again. "Promise you won't laugh."

"I never laugh," said Yakumo. "Dying every few seconds has made me far too depressed to laugh."

"Point noted," said Clef. "Very well. I'm coming out now." A small, round, white creature that resembled a cross between a dog and a snowman, down to the vaguely carrot-shaped nose, stepped out from behind the throne and sat down beside it, staring up at Yakumo with its beady eyes.

Yakumo shivered. "Is... is that...?"

The creature nodded solemnly. "Puun."

Yakumo doubled over with laughter. "THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!"

The creature's eyes darkened. "PUUN." A pit opened under Yakumo, dropping him into the depths that Mihoshi was just climbing out of. Her eyes lit up as they saw the strange creature.

"Oh, it's so cute!" she shouted, leaping across the room to pick it up and cuddle it.

The creature raised a paw to its mouth, and Mihoshi distinctly heard Clef clear his throat. "As you can see, my spirit now resides within Plue. In this way, I can continue to give you instructions for the conquest of F City."

"Puun!" affirmed Plue.

Mihoshi held Plue at arm's length. "Then Lord Clef is actually this little funny thing?"

Plue crossed its arms indignantly.

"I'm just borrowing this body for a while," said Clef. "Once we figure out how to restore my body to normal, Plue will go back to being a normal... whatever it is."

"Then the mission is understood!" cried Mihoshi. "We must immediately restore Lord Clef to his own body so that Plue can become our emergency food supply!"

Plue began to squirm in Mihoshi's arms, trying to escape. "Puun! PUUN!"

"Why on Earth would you want to eat that thing?" Yakumo asked from behind her. "It can't possibly have much meat on it. And it's probably tough as leather, no matter how you cook it."

"I was thinking of shoving a pointy stick through it and making a kebab," announced Mihoshi.

Yakumo nodded. "Yeah, that might work."

Plue leapt out of Mihoshi's arms and speared Yakumo through the forehead with its drill-like nose. "No eating my temporary body!" shouted Clef.

"S-sorry," gurgled Yakumo as he died.

"It's okay, little Plue," Mihoshi whispered reassuringly as she picked Plue up. "Mihoshi's not going to eat you."

"Puun!" cooed Plue.

"I'll have to fatten you up first," Mihoshi continued.

"PUUN!"

*************************************************

EPISODE 1: MILKING THE JOKE FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT....................... DEPENDS ON READER RESPONSE

*************************************************

Shinji groaned as he trudged through the familiar countryside that surrounded his home. "I can't believe I was trapped in that thing for five days. I nearly starved to death!" His stomach growled, affirming his statement. "At least I'm almost home. I hope Naru's got plenty of food in the house."

As his house finally came into view, so did a tiny girl running from the same direction with her arms outstretched. "Papa!" she cried, leaping up to hug him.

"Oh, my darling Tomoyo! I missed you so much!" He picked her up and swung her around joyously, then hefted her onto his shoulder and continued on his way. "Is Mama home?" he asked.

"She is," replied Tomoyo. "And she has been waiting for you."

"I'm sure she has," said Shinji as he stepped onto his own property, ignoring the nameplate. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get home, but -"

"Mama!" Tomoyo called out as the door opened. "New Papa! Look! Old Papa's come home!"

"'Old Papa?'" repeated Shinji as his wife stepped into the doorway, along with another man.

Naru put her fists on her hips. "There you are, you disgraceful excuse for a man! Where the hell have you been?"

"I got trapped inside a walking death machine! I'm lucky to be alive!" ... is what Shinji wanted to say. As usual, all that he got out was "Sorry."

An elbow came to rest on the doorframe just above Naru's head. "What a loser," said the man it belonged to. "Your babe's lucky I came along to keep her sexed up while you were away."

"New Papa!" shouted Tomoyo excitedly, as she leapt off Shinji's shoulder and ran to hug her stepfather's leg.

Shinji gasped at the sight of the interloper's bleached hair and torn jeans. "Ei-Eikichi Onizuka?"

"I fell in love with him when he taught my calculus class in high school," said Naru, caressing Onizuka's chest. "When you didn't come back, we decided to consummate our love."

"Mama and New Papa sleep in the same bed and make funny noises all night," said Tomoyo.

"How can this be?" asked Shinji.

"You're a loser," Naru said coldly.

"Can't imagine how you managed to snag a piece of ass like Naru in the first place," added Onizuka.

"New Papa's so much fun," agreed Tomoyo. "He doesn't even cry all night!"

Shinji grabbed the sides of his head and pulled his hair. Throwing his head back to the heavens, he shouted, "Woe is me! After only five days, another man has stolen my family! And I'm so spineless, I can't fight back! Predictably, NO!"

*************************************************

REPLACEMENT OF EXCEL SAGA CHARACTERS.....................MARGINAL SUCCESS

*************************************************

MIHOSHI: Well, I hope you all enjoyed the first episode of Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z! ... I mean it! I really hope you enjoyed it, because if you didn't, then Nidoking might stop writing it altogether, and then I'd cry!

NIDOKING: You can't cry if I don't write you crying.

MIHOSHI: (cries)

NIDOKING: Just introduce the next episode. Then I'll have to write it, won't I?

MIHOSHI: (sniffles) Really?

NIDOKING: Yeah, sure. Let me just go hide "DVD 2" of Elf Princess Rane, Dragon Half, and Princess Rouge.

MIHOSHI: (perks up) Okay! In the next episode, we'll be bringing back some of the minor characters from Excel Saga to replace them with even more obscure characters from other anime series! We'll also be introducing a new character who doesn't correspond to anyone in the original series!

NIDOKING: We're a progressive story!

MIHOSHI: And there will be a big mystery to solve, too! So don't miss it!

NIDOKING: Or I'll make Mihoshi do something a lot worse than crying.

MIHOSHI: Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z Episode 2: The Plot Is On My Foot!

TSUDZUKU...

*************************************************

Pop-under notes: Similar to the pop-up notes on the Excel Saga DVDs, but not as intrusive and conveniently located at the end of the fic. Take all the time you want to read them; they won't disappear after one frame. These notes will explain the characters, Japanese puns, and Rane-speak to whatever degree I understand them, in order of their named introduction to the story.

Koshi Rikdo: The original author of Excel Saga, and a recurring character in the Excel anime. His main role is to give permission to the anime producers to take whatever direction they want with the anime, even if it completely goes against the intention of the original story.

D.B. Sommer: Author of The Replacement Excels, the story that inspired this piece of gar- er, prose.

Nidoking: The author of this piece of gar- oh, wait. I did that one already. I'm standing in for Nabeshin, the avatar of Shinichi Watanabe, who directed the Excel anime. He's a natural at self-insertion. I, on the other hand....

Pikachu: The most well-known of all the Pokémon, by far. It's a little yellow rat with a lightning-bolt shaped tail that shoots electricity far beyond the capacity that any Pokémon should be able to achieve. That's because of its highly revered status as a plot device. It can even destroy opponents that are immune to electricity. It also seems to like ketchup. I don't rightly know its stance on cheese, but it is a rodent.

Z: No, there are no DBZ references in this fic (unless you count the MMM-BOP attack). I'm saving that for later, possibly.

Mihoshi: The ditzy blonde Galaxy Policewoman in the various Tenchi Muyo! series. I think I managed to blend her personality with Excel's pretty well. The only distinctly Excel traits she has are the bad puns and the incredible hyperactivity. The rest is pretty much your standard Mihoshi.

Yakumo: The main character of 3x3 Eyes. He got in a soon-to-be-fatal accident and was saved by the girl he was with at the time, a member of the Sanjiyan tribe who turned Yakumo into a Wu. Basically, as long as she's alive, he'll remain alive, even if he dies. This of course precipitates a series of very messy deaths from which Yakumo inevitably recovers unscathed. This is about the only trait he shares with Hyatt, but he makes a great straight man. (Oddly enough, Nuriko does too.)

Master Mage Clef: This guy brought the main characters of Magic Knight Rayearth into Cephiro, only to get turned to stone before he could do much to help them. Fortunately, he downloaded his soul into Mokona, the little fluffball who follows the Knights around and occasionally does something useful. Mokona was a self-insertion in the MKR manga, but in the anime, it's less powerful than Kirby (the non- SSB Kirby).

Three extra armies per turn: This whole paragraph is a reference to Risk, the game of world domination by Parker Brothers. It's actually not a bad game, although I seem to win more often than not. It's my strategy. And no, I won't tell you what it is!

Sailor Pluto: In case you can't tell from the name, she's from Sailor Moon. Namely, she's the Guardian of Time, which makes her a natural choice for the Great Will of the Macrocosm. Whether she'll fall in love with Shinji and merge with Naru remains to be seen. Merging with Shinji and falling for Naru will be exclusive to the yuri version, distributed only to paying subscribers. *

Magic/Paralysis: The Japanese word for magic is "mahou", while paralysis is "mahi". Clef's subsequent comment no longer has the same clout, does it?

Magic Thermos: Thermos is "mahoubin", which is incidentally the same "mahou" that means magic. Guess there's a country out there that needs to study more thermodynamics.

Dissolving the metal and declaring war on my muscles: Respectively, "kinzoku wo kaisan suru" and "kin'niku ni kaisen suru". Awful, I know, but this is what comes of writing puns in a language you don't speak natively. At least it's no worse than most of the puns in the actual show.

Shampoo, Mousse, Ryoga: Names of Ranma 1/2 characters.

Map/cheese: "Chizu" and "chiizu", naturally.

Statue/elephant: Both of these are "zou" in Japanese. Different kanji, obviously.

This time, I'm confused: "Kondo ha kondou."

I'm so confused, I forgot the tomatoes: "Tomadowasereta kara, tomato wasureta." Amazing, isn't it?

Dick Saucer: The idol guitarist/dragon hunter from Dragon Half. Not too bright... he once drank a bottle of "energy drink" from the hands of the very dragon he wanted to slay. Neither one of them knew it was a laxative....

Saucer/Police Investigation: Police investigation is "sousa", while Saucer's name is pronounced "sousaa". It's a stretch, I know.

FLCL: A very weird series from Gainax. Best known for a main character from whose forehead robots frequently emerge. The female lead beats them to death with a guitar, leading to Mihoshi's reference. If you decide to watch this series, make sure to watch all six episodes. You won't understand it at first, and you probably won't like it either, but if you stick with it, you will be rewarded for your patience. And that's my Nido-tip for the day. Hope it helped you.

Bloodberry: The most mature of the three marionettes belonging to Otaru in Saber Marionette J. Nicely filled out, and very desirable among fanboys, making her a natural choice to replace the elder Ropponmatsu.

Rally Vincent: The elder of the Gun Smith Cats. Handy with weapons, obviously, so she makes a much less accessible Misaki... probably a better one than the real Misaki, actually.

Ataru Moroboshi: The main character of Urusei Yatsura, and probably the template for Happosai. 'Nuff said? He's also "very unlucky" according to the elderly priest Cherry, which makes his comment with regard to Yakumo all the more ironic. His perverted attraction to the females is about the only thing likening him to Iwata, but his reason for despising Nuku Nuku is totally different.

Nuku Nuku: The titular (in both senses) character in All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku. (Try saying that five times fast! Okay, it's not that hard.) She seems to have developed most of Ropponmatsu 2's personality, since there wasn't much that stood out about Nuku Nuku besides her incredible fighting ability and devotion to her family.

Nuriko: One of the Suzaku Seven Warriors in Fushigi Yuugi. I've now officially spoiled the fact that he's really a man. But that's not really important after the first few episodes. What would REALLY be a spoiler is if I told you that he - DELETED! The only reason I chose Nuriko for Watanabe is that I needed someone who would be attracted to Yakumo, and refused to use Hanagata. (Besides, I already have Bloodberry.) He also happens to be incredibly strong.

Genma: The famous man-turned-panda in Ranma 1/2. Apparently, he can't change back in QEFEFZ, but his signs are the perfect parallel to Sumiyoshi's text speech.

Xellos: The mischievous priest in Slayers. "That... is a secret!" is his catchphrase, and yes, he is as jovial as I've portrayed him here. He also makes more than enough trouble to keep the City Defenders busy.

Faye Valentine: The only woman in all of anime who could possibly stand up to Xellos as a secretary. She's got the perfect poker face for the role, even counting all the times she lost it in her own series. She's also damn hot. ^_^

Koji Mori: A pedophile from I, My, Me, Strawberry Eggs. He loves those junior high girls' uniforms, particularly the gym shorts. The mirror with trademark attack and "seishun" (youth) line are the same. He certainly wasn't a scientist, though, and usually skipped his job to watch the girls at gym.

"Ano baka na hakase ha seiji no koto, zenzen shiranai hazu da na!": "That idiot chief doesn't know the first thing about government!" Who knows whether Xellos actually understood it or not?

Gomen/Gouman: Respectively "sorry" (which I'm sure everyone already knew) and "arrogant" (which you know now). So watch your syllables when apologizing.

Danger/Fried bean curd: "Abunai" and "aburage". Maybe they get better later on.

Descartes: The French philosopher who said "I think, therefore I am." The inverse is not necessarily true, but makes for a good punchline to an admittedly old joke.

MY SHOES: Interestingly enough, an English line from the Excel anime that just got stuck in my head. Out, out, damned line! (Why is my language so much worse in the notes?)

Shinji Ikari: The pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 in Neon Genesis Evangelion. He's a spineless wimp who's about as much of a crybaby as he's portrayed here. Still not quite as much as Pedro... yet.

"Push the button": A Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference. Since Rikdo caught it, he's obviously the dubbed, U.S. culturally-savvy Ridko.

Shinderu: Means "dead", in case anyone missed that one. It is a bit of an advanced term, I admit.

Puddles of orange goo: Don't ask me. Watch End of Evangelion, or find someone who has and thinks they're qualified to explain it. I'm still trying to forget I ever watched it.

Koryu: A demon from Wish. He's more mischievous than evil, but that's not because he doesn't try. It's probably because there are so many people, including his own mentor, working against his whims. He takes this miniature form during the day, but at night, he's the size of a full-grown man.

Rane: The titular (again, in both senses) elf/fairy princess of Elf Princess Rane. The language barrier prevents Go from understanding her, but as far as I can tell, her words are only a little bit off... in a way that makes her sentences completely different. What she tries to say is "Stay here. You have to fight the giant robot! The city is depending on you!"/"Truly, nobody understands me."/"You're not a bad person."/"Fight!"

"This is a war... even though I don't like it....": An attack phrase from Super Robot War Alpha. I heard it from someone who probably doesn't think I was paying attention. ^_^

The lightsaber: Yes, the progressive knife has become a Star Wars lightsaber. Use the force, Shinji.

Copy/coffee: Work it out for yourself.

"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!": In the original Metal Gear, you had to ride in trucks to get from place to place. After a while, it becomes second nature, but the character still seems just as illiterately surprised. Maybe it's not as bad as "I feel asleep!" though.

Powerbar Girls: These are actually the Powerpuff Girls from Cartoon Network. I might have actually used the cast of A-Ko, if I could remember a thing about them other than that C-Ko was a bad cook, A-Ko had some kind of super powers (she's rumored to be the daughter of Superman himself), and B-Ko was a decent martial artist. Hm....

Hanson: Yes, the boy trio who sang Mmm-Bop. It sounds like the name of an energy attack, doesn't it? Well, maybe only after you've read my drivel.

ACCESS DENIED: The hexagons are the actual manifestation of the AT Field, but the message in them is from Lawnmower Man. Highly recommended, if you haven't seen it. But don't watch the sequel, whatever you do.

Blue Eyes White Dragon: One of the most powerful Duel Monsters cards in the early part of Yu-Gi-Oh. There are only four of them in existence, or so it's said. After a few story arcs, it's a mid-range player, sort of like Tien Shinhan in DBZ.

1.21 "jigawatts" of electricity + 88 miles per hour = time travel: You guessed it. Back to the Future.

"I'm not dead!": Just watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Just watch it. Now.

Plue: The keeper of Rave in Rave Master. It doesn't seem to do very much, but then I've only read three volumes. Plue seems to be able to rescue the main characters, Roger Rabbit style, only when it's funny.

Tomoyo: The best friend of Card Captor Sakura. Incredibly huggably cute and far less naive than she rightfully should be. She also has a respectful bluntness when she needs it, like bashing Li over the head (not physically) to get him to realize how he feels about Sakura. It works for the "New Papa" lines.

Naru: Love Hina is one of those interesting harem stories for two reasons. First, despite the relative eligibility of most of the girls in the series, Naru is the quite obvious primary love interest. She's bossy, pounds Keitaro constantly, and always ends up in compromising positions that lead to revelations of ever more of her body and subsequent Keitaro poundings. Don't know if she'd be likely to leave her husband just because he's a loser, but then she wouldn't marry Shinji in the first place. The other reason is that every time I try to type Love Hina, I end up typing Lova Hina and have to go back and fix it.

Eikichi Onizuka: The titular (in one sense only) character in Great Teacher Onizuka. He's got a soft spot for high school girls, and Naru only graduated recently. He's an ex-biker turned teacher, but hasn't completely eliminated the biker from his resume.

* There's actually no way to pay for a subscription. You just have to be really nice to me.

  



	2. More Mystery Than Meets the Ear

"Stop! Put me down! Let me go!" screamed Koshi Rikdo as two strong-armed goons dragged him down a long hallway. "I'll call the police! I'll draw unfavorable caricatures of you in my next manga!" 

Wordlessly, the goons turned toward an open door and hurled Rikdo through it, where he landed flat on his face in the middle of a lush office. The shadowed figure sitting behind the oak desk leaned forward. "Welcome, Mr. Rikdo. I trust you know why I've brought you here?"

Rikdo leapt to his feet. "You... you're that guy! The one who bastardized my beloved story and tore it to shreds!"

"The feeling is mutual, I'm sure," said the figure.

"What do you want from me?" demanded Rikdo.

"It can't be hard to figure out," replied the figure. "I promised the fans a second episode, and they clamored for more. I can give them more... but I need something from you first."

Rikdo crossed his arms in a manner that mimicked the X tattooed on his forehead. "No way! I'm not giving you permission to write any more of that disaster! I'll let Watanabe have another go before I'd... what are you putting in your mouth?"

Nidoking leaned forward into the light, shoving the last of a wad of cotton into his cheeks. "Come on, Rikdo," he said in a belabored Italian accent. "We're all family here. I just need ya ta do me a favor."

"But there's no comedy left!" Rikdo protested. "You've already lost the shock value of replacing all of my characters!"

"Characters are cheap," replied Nidoking. "We got a million of 'em. Me and my boys, we can make anything happen. There's a lotta little characters out there that never had the chance to make it big. Now, I need you to help me help them."

Rikdo squinted. "You're trying to do a parody of a movie you've never seen, aren't you?"

"I've had enough of this guy," said Nidoking, leaning back into the shadow until only his hand was visible. The hand waved. "Rearrange his face."

"Wait, stop!" screamed Rikdo as a pair of meaty hands grabbed his shoulders. "I'll do it! I'll give you permission to write another chapter of...." He stared at the paper on the desk. "QEFEFZ? What's that?"

Nidoking spat out the cotton. "It's an abbreviation. You're not supposed to try to pronounce it. Although you didn't do too bad a job." He smiled. "And now for the official seal."

Rikdo reached for a pocket, but the goon behind him slammed his face onto a red inkpad on Nidoking's desk, then pressed his head onto the paper, leaving a perfect impression of the four kanji that spelled Rikdo's name.

Nidoking exhaled a puff of smoke. "Beautiful," he whispered. Then he broke down coughing. "Dammit! Why do I keep doing that?"

*************************************************

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC EXCEL FUSION Z

EPISODE 2: THE PLOT IS ON MY FOOT

*************************************************

"Hail, Lord Clef!" shouted Mihoshi, saluting as smartly as she could without becoming a living oxymoron. "ACROSS Senior Officer Mihoshi reporting for duty as usual!"

Yakumo weakly waved. "Yo."

A small patch of floor exploded at Yakumo's feet, expelling a small saucepan which hit him in the forehead. "Hey, keep it down up there!" shouted a voice from the floor below as Yakumo collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

Clef shook his head sadly. "Mihoshi, as long as we're meeting in your apartment, you can't keep shouting like you did in the underground base. Our secrets will get out, and that would be very embarrassing for us." He curled his body up so that he could lick tenderly at his rear.

Mihoshi nodded. "Yes, I can see that we don't need any additional embarrassment in our current situation."

Clef glared at her. "That's not funny." He tapped his pointed nose on the floor, and the tile beneath Mihoshi's feet vanished. She fell into the resulting pit with a loud clatter of cookware.

"Sorry about that!"

"Hey, what are you doing in my kitchen?" demanded the downstairs resident. "And where'd that gaping hole in my ceiling come from? You're going to pay for the repairs!"

"I'm sure my employer can handle the expenses for work-related accidents," said Mihoshi. "Um, could you just stand right there for a second? I'm really sorry about this." She climbed onto the man's shoulders and hoisted herself through the hole. "Lord Clef, please try to respect the integrity of my apartment. With my current salary, I can't prosper."

Clef's eyebrow twitched. "Mihoshi... what have I told you about making puns that don't translate into English?"

Mihoshi scratched her head. "Um... 'puun?'"

Clef shook his head vigorously. "Puun! I mean, no! That's not right at all!" He slammed his face on the floor, and another tile ceased to exist.

"My living room!" came the voice from downstairs. "This is an invasion of my privacy!"

Yakumo groaned and sat up. "Lord Clef, do you think you could just give us our mission so we can get to someplace that's less expensive to destroy?"

"As I was about to say, there's no need for me to give you your mission ahead of time today," said Clef. "Since this body is significantly smaller and much less mineral than my own - for the moment - I can accompany you and give you orders in the field."

"Hooray!" cheered Mihoshi as she climbed back into the apartment. "Lord Clef is coming with us! I'll get the leather belt!"

Clef recoiled, rolling onto his back. "Puun?!"

"It's the law in F City," Mihoshi reminded him. "Pets have to be kept on a leash."

"But I'm not a pet!" protested Clef. "I'm just using Plue's body until we can find a way to turn me back to normal!"

"I'm afraid she's right," Yakumo put in. "Even a talking dog could get us fined if it's not on a leash."

"I'm not a dog!" barked Clef.

"What are you, exactly?" asked Mihoshi.

"I'm a... well, it's difficult to explain, really...." Clef sighed. "Fine. I'll wear the stupid leash."

"Yay!" Mihoshi cheered again. "I finally get to live out my wonderful bondage fantasy with Lord Clef! This is the happiest day of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife... sorry!" she apologized, pulling herself out of the downstairs furo.

*************************************************

In a secret room that lay behind a secret door with the word "SECRET" on the plate - which was what marked it as a secret room - six civil servants sat at their desks, waiting to hear from their employer. "Any idea what the chief's got for us today?" asked Nuriko.

Moroboshi shook his head. "I have a feeling we're not going to like it."

"That's not all you're feeling," said Rally, cocking her pistol threateningly. "Now remove your hand from my leg before I remove it from your wrist."

"Yes, Ma'am," Moroboshi said hastily, withdrawing his hand.

At that moment, the door opened, and Xellos swept grandly into the room, followed closely by Dr. Mori. "Greetings, all and sundry!" said Xellos jovially. "How are we all doing today?"

"Wai! We're all genki-sou!" cheered Nuku Nuku.

"That's nice, dear," Xellos said jovially, casually grabbing Nuku Nuku by the ears and pressing her face into the desk. "But let's dispense with the Japanese for a while, shall we? I've decided it's a waste of brainpower, and you're going to need all the intelligence you can come up with for today's assignment."

"What's intelligence?" asked Nuku Nuku. "It sounds yummy. Is it a fish?"

"That," Xellos announced jovially, "is a secret! But today's mission isn't, because it was suggested that there's a far greater chance of you successfully completing the mission if I tell you what it is."

"Thank me later," Faye Valentine called into the room over his shoulder as she walked past.

"Let me guess," said Rally. "It has something to do with kidnapping little girls and dragging them back here to be experimented on."

"Heavens no!" said Xellos jovially. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know..." said Rally, pointing a thumb at Dr. Mori.

"Why would he make you think something like that?" asked Bloodberry. "The man created me and Nuku Nuku, after all."

"Yep!" agreed Nuku Nuku, beaming proudly. "He even gave me a chest cavity of my very own for storing things in, like milk!" She sat up and pulled up her shirt to show everyone. "See? Isn't it big?"

Moroboshi covered his eyes and turned away. "The horror!" he screamed.

Nuriko scowled. "Geez, even *I* have more chest than that!"

Dr. Mori patted Nuku Nuku's head. "That's my girl."

Bloodberry blinked. "Well, he still made ME relatively normal."

Xellos cleared his throat. "Dr. Mori is here to reveal the latest model in his six-cylinder series," he announced jovially. "It apparently corrects some of the bugs that were present in the earlier models."

"Bugs?" asked Bloodberry, patting herself down. "What bugs?"

"That... is a secret!"

"Actually, it's not even classified," Dr. Mori corrected him. "You see, the first model, Bloodberry, was built as the perfect example of an adult female. As such, her reaction to male advances is somewhat less than desirable."

Bloodberry pounded Moroboshi on the head as he reached for her breasts. "How so?" she asked.

"Geez," moaned Moroboshi. "I was just trying to compare for size."

"The Nuku Nuku model was built from my original blueprint, removing the modifications for 'decency', 'modesty', and 'conformance to child pornography regulations' that my superiors inserted without my permission," continued Dr. Mori. "That led to its own problems, of course."

Nuku Nuku nuzzled Dr. Mori's chest. "But you love me anyway, right?"

"Good girl," said Dr. Mori, pushing her away lightly. "Come to my office later for some adjustments."

"Yay!" cheered Nuku Nuku. "We get to play hide the snake again!"

Rally scowled. "For your sake, that had better be a rubber toy snake she's talking about."

"Yes, rubber," Dr. Mori agreed readily. "As you can see, neither of the preprogrammed personalities has met its specifications. That's why we created the third model with no personality, memory, or knowledge of any kind. We simply call her 'Chii'."

"Chii?" A head peered around the edge of the doorframe, trailing blonde hair all the way to the floor. The face was very young and sported a completely blank expression.

"Come on in and introduce yourself, Chii," said Dr. Mori, beckoning to her.

Chii slowly stepped into the room and stood up straight, looking at the strangers sitting around the desk one at a time. "Chii? Chii, chii, chii...."

"Is that all she can say?" asked Rally. "That's going to get annoying REALLY fast."

"She's a learning machine, of course," said Dr. Mori. "I've programmed her to mimic everything Moroboshi does and add it to her database."

"Moroboshi?" shouted Rally. "But why him? Moroboshi is a total pervert!"

"Aw, but I like Big Brother Ataru!" said Nuku Nuku, giving Moroboshi a big hug. "I wanna grow up to be just like him!"

"Hey, don't touch me there!" shouted Moroboshi, grappling at Nuku Nuku's chest in an effort to push her away.

"Chii, chii!" echoed Chii, grabbing Nuku Nuku in the same place.

Rally's face fell. "Never mind."

"Well, it looks like you're all getting along well," said Xellos jovially. "But there will be plenty of time to get acquainted later. For now, you have to undertake your mission."

[WHAT IS IT?] asked Genma.

"It's a secret!" Xellos announced jovially. "But you'll learn all about it at the police box at the corner."

"At the corner?" echoed Nuriko. "You can't mean...."

"No!" cried Rally. "Not HIM!"

"I'm afraid so," Xellos apologized jovially. "But I'm sure you'll do all right. After all, you have a new partner to assist you!"

"Chii?" Chii looked this way and that, searching for this 'new partner' while a forest of question marks popped into existence above her head one by one.

"Right," groaned Rally. "Some help."

*************************************************

"The first rule of detective work is to always know where your hat is!" lectured their instructor, the usual inhabitant of the police box at the corner. He waved the aforementioned fedora at them as he sat down on his stool, adjusting his trench coat so that it didn't wrinkle.

"Wouldn't it be easier to do that if you put it on your head, Detective Zenigata?" suggested Rally.

"Hmmm...." Zenigata scratched his chin. "You know, you may be on to something there." He placed the hat boldly atop his head. "Ah, yes, delightfully snug. Jolly good idea, eh what?"

Nuriko nudged Genma with his elbow. "Hey, is it just me, or is he talking funny?"

[YOU'RE ASKING *ME*?] replied Genma.

Zenigata smiled and pulled a curved pipe out of his pocket, sticking the narrow end between his teeth. "Now, as I was saying, the second rule of detective work is to eliminate the impossible. That means I should be getting rid of that giant panda man and the girl who seems to be cleaning herself in a place that the human tongue was never meant to reach. I'm afraid I shall have to request that you two logical impossibilities leave so that the remainder of our crew is simply very improbable."

Bloodberry hummed thoughtfully. "I've heard that somewhere before...."

"Just ignore his split personality so we can focus on getting our job done," advised Rally. "So, Detective, what's our mission today?"

"Patience, dear girl," said Zenigata. "Haste makes waste and all that, you know. There will be plenty of time for particulars later."

[SHE'S NOT EVEN ASKING FOR DETAILS...] Genma pointed out.

"Oh, sorry, old chap," apologized Zenigata, taking his hat off to scratch his head. "Well? What are you all staring at me like that for?" he demanded in a much firmer tone. "We've got a murder to investigate!"

"Isn't that better left to the police?" asked Rally. "We're civil servants."

"Screw the police!" shouted Zenigata. "The police can't even capture one lousy internationally-wanted thief! How do you expect them to deal with a real live killer?"

"Well, at least he's back to his old self," said Moroboshi.

"I'm not sure which is worse," said Nuriko.

"So, tell us about this case," requested Rally, ignoring the off-topic conversation.

Zenigata nodded and pulled a cord, unrolling the screen on the wall. "Here's what we know so far," he announced, flipping the switch that turned the lights off.

There was a long silence.

"Well, aren't you going to turn on the projector?" asked Rally.

"I don't have a projector," replied Zenigata. "This is just an ordinary police box. But that doesn't matter, because I don't have anything to tell you anyway." He turned the lights back on and rolled up the screen. "Our information network is running a little slow today, so we don't really know anything."

"Can you at least tell us who was murdered?" asked Bloodberry.

Zenigata flipped the hat onto his head. "Statistically speaking, someone is murdered every ten minutes in this city."

"That guy must have more lives than Yakumo," Moroboshi said glibly.

"Yakumo," repeated Chii.

"Hey, don't make fun of him!" snapped Nuriko. "Just because he dies all the time doesn't make him different!"

"Name me one other person who dies constantly and keeps coming back to life," Moroboshi retorted, crossing his arms triumphantly.

Chii crossed her arms triumphantly. "Chii!"

"Oh my god!" shouted a high-pitched voice from just outside the police box. "They killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!" shouted a second voice.

"Hey, think we should stop in this police box and tell the cops about it?" asked the first voice.

"Nah, he'll be okay by next week. Let's go get ice cream instead."

"Cool, dude!"

Moroboshi blinked in confusion and slid off his stool.

Chii slid off her stool. "Chii...."

Zenigata scratched his chin with building interest. "So, 'Yakumo', is it?" He took off his hat and pointed to the door. "So let's go figure out who killed Yakumo and haul him in!"

"Do you want the full list, or should I just hand you the phone book and let you work it out yourself?" asked Rally.

"Hmmm... this could be harder than I thought," said Zenigata, perching his hat on his head. "Well, then, shall we be off? I'm sure something will turn up as we walk about. Life is full of mysteries, as I'm fond of noticing."

"That's becoming very distracting," said Bloodberry. "What exactly is wrong with him?"

"Elementary, my dear robot!" said Zenigata.

Moroboshi nodded solemnly. "Whenever he puts on that hat, he thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."

Chii nodded solemnly. "Chii, Chii. Sherlock Yakumo."

"But that's not the worst of it," Moroboshi continued. "Whenever he lights his pipe, he has to deliver his next line in the form of a hoedown."

A giant bead of sweat ran down the back of Bloodberry's head. "What?"

Zenigata shook out the match he'd just used to light his pipe and took a puff. Then, he was swinging his arms and kicking in a disappointing mockery of a cowboy jig. "Come on all you people, let's get out on the street/and do a little walking, 'cause that's good for the feet!/We're gonna find a killer, you bet your little head./'Cause by the end of this chapter, somebody will be dead." He took a bow and swept out the door. A buzzer sounded in the distance.

Bloodberry opened her mouth, then sadly shook her head. "I don't want to know. I don't even want to think about it."

*************************************************

"So, where exactly are we going?" asked Yakumo. "You haven't even told us what we're looking for."

"Don't ask so many questions," snapped Clef. "We'll get there eventually."

Yakumo's eyes narrowed. "You don't actually know what we're looking for, do you?"

Clef tapped his nose on the ground, and Yakumo fell screaming into a pit. "Never question my authority."

"Why not?" asked Mihoshi.

With another tap of his nose, Clef created another pit under Mihoshi's feet. He wiped his front paws with a satisfied smirk until the leash around his neck went taut. "Oh, sh-!"

Seconds passed, and all was quiet on the surface. A city inspector walked past the two holes, looked down at them, and made a few notes on his clipboard. Then, Clef's head poked up over the lip of the pit, covered in sweat. "Puun...."

"AAH!" screamed the inspector. "SEWER RAT!" He smacked Clef on the head with his clipboard several times.

"Stop that, you idiot!" shouted Clef. "I'm not a rat!"

The inspector froze and blinked in surprise.

"That's right," said Clef. "So just walk away and go about your business...."

"AAH! TALKING SEWER RAT!" The inspector resumed his attack with increased vigor.

Clef sighed and smacked his nose on the ground, opening a pit under the inspector's feet. He plunged into it and landed almost immediately with a sickening SPLOOSH!

"It's a good thing there was a sewer down there," said Mihoshi as she climbed out of the pit. "Ordinary people wouldn't be able to survive the tortures that Yakumo and I are subjected to on a daily basis."

"YOU survive them," Yakumo corrected her. "I die every time and come back eventually."

"And so do I!" shouted a triumphant voice from a short way down the street. With a clank of metal, the figure walked toward them, sending up clouds of asphalt with each step.

Clef's eyes bulged. "Who is THAT?"

"Ha! As if anyone could forget the magnificence that is ME!" announced the metal man. His face was vaguely recognizable as something very close to human, but the rest of his body looked like something out of a James Cameron movie.

"Take off that ridiculous DiCaprio disguise and show us who you really are," commanded Clef.

"Very well! Prepare to tremble before my might!" shouted the man who was not really DiCaprio. He unzipped the skin-suit and let it fall to the ground, revealing the massive hunk of metal that was his true body.

Mihoshi stared at him and blinked. "Do I know you?"

"I don't think we've ever met anyone made of metal before," said Yakumo.

"That's not true!" countered Mihoshi. "There was that giant robot from episode one! Not to mention that two of those girls we met are androids."

"Ha! That shows how little you know!" taunted the newcomer. "For when you defeated me before, I was not made of metal, but was in fact a man!"

"So now you're a female android too?" asked Mihoshi, puzzled. "Just how many of those are in this story, anyway?"

"I am not a woman! I am a human being!" shouted the metal man. "Er, I mean... I was a full human before, except for the metal plate in my head, the artificial titanium leg, my gold teeth, and a pair of nipple rings! But then I met the two of you, without your pet rat -" Clef growled "- and was valiantly killed in ferocious battle!"

"You tripped over a blade of grass and impaled yourself on your own sword," recalled Yakumo.

The cyborg pointed his elbow and fired a missile at Yakumo, blowing him to bits. "But every time Damuramu dies, he comes back better, stronger, and more made of metal than before!"

Mihoshi slammed a fist into her palm. "Oh! Now I remember!"

"Aha! You remember the magnificence of Damuramu?"

"I left the laundry in the dryer back home!" She turned to leave, but a cord snaked out of Damuramu's metal groin and wrapped around her, pinning her arms to her sides.

"You're not going anywhere until you pay for every second of excruciating agony I suffered!" shouted Damuramu.

"And how much was that, exactly?" asked Mihoshi.

"... I died instantly," Damuramu admitted. "But you will still pay for my death!"

"Which made you stronger and metaly-er, right?"

"Er, yes. So it was a good thing." He shook his head angrily. "Stop trying to confuse Damuramu!"

Yakumo sat up. "Hey, didn't we already have a cameo appearance by a Dragon Half character in the first episode?"

Damuramu crossed his arms. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Yeah, that's right!" agreed Mihoshi. "It was Dick Saucer who gave us our orders in the first episode!"

"No it wasn't!" replied Damuramu. "Where's the video from the first episode?" A panel in his side opened, revealing an empty compartment. "Oh no! I'll have to pay late charges!" He laughed. "No matter! There's another way we can view the past! Come, Sailor Pluto!"

@@@BUT AT THAT MOMENT, SAILOR PLUTO WAS...@@@

Pluto threw back her head as she took another huge gulp of the dark liquid in her glass. "So I didn't have a choice about it, because he was the self-insert character, and everyone knows they have sex with anyone they choose, and their victims just go along with it no matter what they're really supposed to think about it."

"Right, right," acknowledged her listener, nodding his head.

"But I got back at him in the end! I used my power to do a cosmic reset, so it never actually happened!"

"Yeah, yeah. I hear ya."

"And by the time he figured it out, the episode was over, and since we weren't parodying bad fanfiction anymore, he couldn't use that gimmick again!"

"Look, would you shut up about that already?" shouted Nidoking. "Stop rubbing it in my face! You've told this story fifty-three times already, and it gets more obnoxious every time!"

"And you know what the funny part is?" she asked, jabbing a finger into his chest and hiccuping. "He was absolutely lousy in bed! And he was the SELF-INSERT! They're supposed to be incredibly sexy and gigantic, since they can do anything they want, but he was PATHETIC!" She giggled and collapsed on the bar in a puddle of booze and drool.

"If you feel so great about it, why are you getting so drunk?" asked Nidoking.

Pluto sat up and cleared her throat. "Because there are some things that even I cannot forget," she announced soberly. "And I refuse to be in this story any longer."

"You can't refuse me," replied Nidoking. "Even if I'm no longer the parodic self-insertion, I'm still the author, and my will is absolute."

"But I'm the Guardian of Time," said Pluto. "I can wreak havoc with your continuity."

"Well, I'm glad THAT'S over with," said Nidoking, wiping his brow and dropping the giant claymore on top of the body of his fallen foe. "That had to be the most exciting battle scene ever!"

"Yes, but nobody will ever be able to read it," said Pluto with a smile, polishing the jewel on top of her staff.

"Wait... isn't this several scenes after where we just were?" asked Nidoking.

"I wouldn't know anything about that," said Pluto innocently.

"Look, would you shut up about that already?" shouted Nidoking. "Stop rubbing it in my - wait, didn't we already do this?"

"Perhaps," said Pluto. "But this conversation is new."

"Are we changing the past or something here?"

"Given your propensity for writing about paradoxes, I'd be careful about what you do while in the past, wouldn't you?" asked Pluto.

"All right, I get the picture. But the answer's still no. You're due to appear in the main story in the next scene."

"They can watch the altered flashback without me," said Pluto, waving her staff. "Barkeep! Another drink!"

"You got it, babe!" said Mr. Fujisawa, topping off her glass from a large gourd.

@@@IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THIS IS THE FLASHBACK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.@@@

"Here!" Nidoking shouted quickly, grabbing a random girl with spiky brown hair and thrusting her in front of the door. "This girl will explain everything!" He quickly ran, leaving the newcomer to fend for herself.

"A girl?" asked Mihoshi. "Wasn't there a handsome blond man here before?"

"I don't know any blond man but," said the girl, pausing in odd places as she spoke, "Key is here to, sing a song about, a mission that you and, you are supposed to go, on."

"Key?" repeated Yakumo, oozing out from under the boulder. "Isn't that a bit obvious?"

"Key will sing, a song now," announced Key. She cleared her throat and produced a microphone from midair. "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

As the note echoed through the room, Mihoshi and Yakumo grabbed the sides of their heads in pain. Yakumo's head exploded in short order. The statue of Clef at the far end of the room crumbled as the entire space began to shake and a stream of pink goo ran from the walls, filling the room until Mihoshi thought she would drown....

@@@

"Hold it right there!" shouted Clef, interrupting the flashback. "My body definitely didn't break!"

"Hmmm.... Damuramu may have exaggerated just a bit for dramatic effect. Nevertheless, this 'Saucer' person did not appear in the first episode!"

"Wasn't that a bit long for such a simple gag?" asked Yakumo.

"Stop breaking the fourth wall and just deal with the situation at hand!" ordered Clef.

Damuramu flexed and puffed out his chest, which didn't really change the shape of his metal body at all. "Ha! What do you think you can do against THIS physique?

"Take a scene break?" suggested Mihoshi.

************************| Clef stretched up a paw and pushed the scene break back. "Mihoshi, what did I just say?"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall?" guessed Mihoshi.

"Correct. Now, hand my leash to Yakumo."

Mihoshi meekly did so, as the familiar pit opened beneath her feet.

"Ha ha ha! Damuramu didn't even need to expend any effort!" Damuramu declared triumphantly. His expression quickly turned into one of pain for a split second as the groin-leash pulled taut, and he was quickly jerked off his feet to join Mihoshi at the bottom of the hole.

"I think we've all learned a lesson from this," Clef said with a satisfied air as the scene changed.

*************************************************

Zenigata strode down the street with his head held high. His charges followed him obediently, except for Chii, who was obediently following Moroboshi.

"Do you even know where we're going?" asked Nuriko.

"Of course I do!" replied Zenigata. "We're going this way!"

"And what's in that direction?" asked Nuriko.

"Well, how am I supposed to know until we get there? Think, woman!"

"Maybe you should put your hat back on," grumbled Nuriko.

Suddenly, Zenigata stopped in his tracks. Rally bumped into his back before she noticed, and the entire procession condensed similarly into a single mass of bodies before everyone managed to find a bit of personal space in which to stand. "What is it?" asked Moroboshi, craning his neck to see past the detective.

"Chii?" asked Chii, craning her neck to stare into the middle of Genma's back.

"Lupin!" shouted Zenigata.

"The master criminal?" asked Rally.

Zenigata jammed the hat onto his head. "It's exactly as I suspected!" He bent down and picked something up off the ground. "A lupin!" He held up the frond of tiny blue blossoms for all to see. "A member of the species _lupinus albifrons_, the Silver Bush Lupin, to be exact!"

"A flower?" asked Nuriko. "You got us all worked up over a stupid flower?"

Before Zenigata could reply, a wild-eyed man burst into the middle of the group, waving something triumphantly toward the sky. "HA! I've done it! Suck on this, old man!"

"Who the heck are you?" asked Rally.

"Do you know what this is?" he asked, shoving his book in her face. "No, you don't know what it is! I'll tell you! It's the first volume of the Excel Saga manga, that's what it is!"

"What kind of drugs are you on?" asked Moroboshi.

"Chii!" added Chii.

"You heard me right!" shouted the man, ignoring the rest of the group. "I'm coming for you next, Rikdo!" He leapt into the air and kept running in the direction he'd been going before.

"What was that all about?" asked Nuriko.

"I think the author just bought the Excel Saga manga he'd been wanting for so long, and might be planning to integrate it somehow into this story," suggested Bloodberry.

"And this affects us how, exactly?" asked Rally.

"I don't think we'll have to worry about it any more than we worry about anything else in this convoluted fanfic," replied Bloodberry.

"I say, what are we talking about now?" asked Zenigata.

"Never mind," said Bloodberry. "Now, where were we?"

"I can't rightly remember," said Zenigata, taking off his hat to scratch his head. "What the hell is this? A stupid flower? I don't need this crap!" He disgustedly threw the lupin to the ground.

"Does anyone else get the feeling we were supposed to learn something from that flower?" asked Rally. "Like there was some vital clue that was introduced, but the author intervention prevented us from getting to it?"

"A purposeful distraction, more likely," said Bloodberry. "Someone's trying to keep us from the truth."

"No, I'm not!" protested Nidoking. "You're supposed to go to the haunted mansion at the edge of town! See? I'm not hiding anything!"

[ANOTHER FAVORABLE PLOT CONTRIVANCE,] noted Genma.

"I don't plan to complain," said Nuriko.

"Did he say haunted?" moaned Moroboshi. "As in, haunted by ghosts?"

"Chii ghosts?" moaned Chii.

"There's no such thing as a ghost!" insisted Zenigata. "It's all a trick, I tell you!"

"Well, let's go, anyway," advised Rally. She pointed the way, and most of the group fell into step behind her.

"Whee! Pretty flower!" cheered Nuku Nuku, rolling over the lupin a few times before putting it into her mouth and chewing contentedly.

*************************************************

Melancholy guitar music filled the air above the burning desert through which Shinji trudged aimlessly. "What am I doing here?" he asked no one in particular. "First my father throws me away, then I get stuck in a school for emotional cripples..." - he stopped to cry for about twenty-seven minutes - "and now my wife cheats on me with her old teacher! What am I supposed to do now?"

"You could stop being such a loser," replied an indignant voice from up ahead.

Shinji gasped. "Who or what are you?"

"I'm you," replied his other self. "I'm a more lucid, less spineless version of you who shows up when your wimpiness becomes so bad that the readers can't stomach it anymore."

Shinji rubbed his eyes. "Man, I'm already seeing mirages, and I've only been in this desert for two minutes."

"That's impossible. You just spent twenty-seven minutes crying," his other self reminded him.

"Great, and you're a jerk too," said Shinji. "I can't believe you're me."

"You must," said the other Shinji. "If you didn't believe in me, I wouldn't exist."

"That's not a very convincing argument," Shinji pointed out.

"Then I'll tell you what number you're thinking of," said his other self. "Nineteen."

"I wasn't thinking of a number," replied Shinji.

"Oh, did I forget that part? Damn. I must be as much of a screw-up as you are."

"Wow," said Shinji, impressed. "You really ARE me."

The other Shinji seemed surprised at this declaration, but quickly recovered. "Well, yes, of course. What did you expect?"

"I'm more messed up than I thought," said Shinji. "I'm talking to myself."

"I'm standing right here, you know."

"And worse yet, I'm pissing myself off. That's gotta be bad for my self-esteem."

"Would you forget about yourself for a minute and listen to me?" asked Shinji's other self indignantly. "Well, technically, since I AM yourself, you're not forgetting about yourself, but... there's something more important than you that you should be caring about!"

Shinji thought about this. "I'm missing Oprah?"

"Your wife, you moron! Are you just going to leave her behind at Onizuka's mercy?"

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Who cares? Do something! Stop being such a wuss and fight!"

"I can't fight Onizuka!"

"What ever happened to 'I mustn't run away'?"

"Isn't that your line?"

"I don't know... which one am I again?"

"I'm pretty sure you're the other one."

"Well, DUH. So which one are you?"

"I'm -"

"And don't say 'I'm me,' because then I'll have to kill you."

Shinji quickly shut up.

"So, are you ready to forget about this meaningless Who's Who of Shinji Ikari and focus on saving Naru?"

"Like she needs MY help. She's probably going to show up and help ME any minute. That's always the way it goes."

"But now Onizuka's entered the equation. Don't you realize what that's going to do?"

Shinji paused to form a mental picture of his beloved wife.

@@@

"Oh, no!" cried Naru. "My dearest Shinji is in trouble! I have to stop everything else in my life and rescue him because I love him so much and want to do disgusting things to him!"

An arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Forget about that loser, dollface," said Onizuka. "You're with me now, remember? I'm twice as disgusting as you are, and that's with all my clothes ON."

"Oh, no!" cried Naru again, this time in delight, as Onizuka tore off her clothes. "It's a gratuitous fanservice shot by Nidoking to ease the readers over the worst part of the Shinji introspective!"

"I don't mind at all!" cheered Onizuka, diving right in.

Tomoyo smiled to herself in the corner. "Mama and New Papa are doing the nasty again."

@@@

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Shinji, grabbing the sides of his head. "Even my Tomoyo is forced to watch! How could they be so careless?"

The other Shinji rubbed his ears. "Man, that's loud."

"I have to get back to them right away!" shouted Shinji. He turned around and ran back the way he'd come, pausing only to shout over his shoulder, "See you later, figment of my imagination!"

"Damn," said the other Shinji as he popped out of existence. "That kid has serious trouble believing in himself."

*************************************************

The old man rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Soon," he said to his servants. "Soon, my plan will come to fruition and I will reap the bounty of my efforts. Now!" He held his hands up in the air and gestured as if drawing quotation marks with his fingers. "Is the 'haunted house' ready for our guests?"

"Yes, sir," announced one of his cronies. "We're nearly ready to issue our demands."

"Marvelous," said the old man, pressing the tip of his pinky to the corner of his mouth. "Soon, I will have... one MILLION dollars!" He began to laugh maniacally, then stopped as he realized he was the only one. "Well, come on, people! Throw me a frickin' bone here!"

"Sir, that's a really dated reference," his second reminded him.

"Zip it!" snapped the old man, making a lip-zipping gesture at him.

"But -"

"Zip it!"

"I -"

"Zip!"

"Sir, -"

"If I were speaking in code, it would be a ZIP code!"

The other sighed. "Just drop it already, sir. Nobody thinks it's funny anymore."

"Well, then, how about 'Shagadelic, baby!'"

"That's the same reference."

The old man sighed and slumped in his throne. "How come one guy can play two classic roles in the same movie and I can't even do a proper homage?"

The younger man behind the throne sneezed in a way that sounded distinctly like "RIPOFF!"

*************************************************

Damuramu slowly crested the lip of the pit, climbing to the surface with Mihoshi tied to his waist. "Damuramu shall ever regret this," he moaned.

"It's your own fault," said Yakumo. "Tethering yourself to Mihoshi is just asking for a nasty fall."

"Is that so?" asked Damuramu, leaping to his feet. "Well, just look who she's tethered to now!"

Yakumo looked down to see the rope tied around his own waist. "Oh." He reached down, undid the knot, and handed the end of the rope to Damuramu. "Thanks, but you can have it back."

"Ready, Yakumo!" shouted Mihoshi, who had tied her end of the rope to a large weight perched on the edge of the pit.

"Let it go!" ordered Yakumo.

Mihoshi pushed the weight over the edge.

Damuramu scowled at Yakumo. "Damuramu hates you." The rope jerked sideways, and he plunged into the pit again.

Yakumo sighed contentedly. "I love being around someone who's better comic relief than I am."

The weight flew up from the pit and landed on Yakumo, crushing him. Damuramu climbed up the rope and stood tall, looming over Mihoshi and breathing heavily. "Damuramu is going to kill you now!"

"It's a little late for that," sloshed what remained of Yakumo.

"Please don't hurt me, Mr. Metal Man!" cried Mihoshi. "I don't think Sailor Pluto will be willing to come all the way out here to fix me!"

"You should have thought of that before you killed me the first time!" replied Damuramu.

A young girl with glasses and a ponytail trotted up. "Hey, Miss Mihoshi! What are you doing all the way out here? I thought you moved downtown!"

Mihoshi blinked. "Do I know you?"

The girl put her hands on her hips and pouted. "You didn't forget little Marin, did you? We used to live together in the orphanage right near here!"

"Oh, right! I remember now! You used to kill people all the time!"

"I really didn't mean to..." sobbed Marin. "Most of the time...."

"It's okay," said Mihoshi, patting Marin on the head. "I forgive you. I didn't know most of those people anyway, except for my mom and brothers."

"Hey!" Damuramu shouted angrily. "You can't ignore me while I'm trying to kill you!"

Marin stared at the cyborg and blinked. "Is that man a bad guy, Miss Mihoshi?"

Mihoshi scratched her head dizzily. "Um, which is the answer that will make you kill him?"

"Either one," said Marin with a smile. She pulled a tiny bottle out of her pocket and threw it at Damuramu. "I choose you, Green Swordsman!"

"Green Swordsman?" repeated Damuramu. The bottle smashed against his chest and fell to the ground in pieces. "Ha! As if that tiny bottle could hurt the mighty DamuramAAAAAAH!" He stepped backward as a very tall green figure emerged from the shards of glass, towering over Damuramu by more than a foot. Its head was vaguely triangular, and it carried a large sword in one hand. A long spiked tail snaked out of the middle of its back, between the bases of its winglets.

The figure stared Damuramu from head to toe, then turned to Marin. "Is this bully causing you trouble?"

Marin nodded. "Yep, he's a real bastard! Slice him up but good, Cell!"

Damuramu held up his hands to protest as Cell turned back around. "I wouldn't do anything rash," he advised. "I can be very deadly when I'm provoked!"

Cell casually swung the sword through an arc that ended at Damuramu's hip before any of the observers could even see it move at all. "Deadly, or just dead?" he taunted.

Damuramu blinked in fear several times, staring at the sword. Then, he laughed heartily. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As if a mere sword could hurt ME!"

With that, Damuramu's leg separated from his body and fell to the ground with a clatter, followed quickly by the unbalanced Damuramu.

"This is no mere sword," said Cell as he raised the weapon to his shoulder. "This is the Z Sword, a sacred blade from the great Kai who rules over Brigadoon."

"That was a lucky shot!" shouted Damuramu, his words slightly muffled by the pavement he was speaking into. He climbed to his foot and hopped indignantly, taking aim with the machine gun built into his right palm. "I dare you to try that again!"

Cell shrugged. "Very well." He lifted the sword over his head and brought the point down on Damuramu's shoulder, severing his right arm before he could fire.

Damuramu watched the oil spurt from his shoulder. "Ha! That won't stop me!"

"Are you crazy?" asked Yakumo. "Your arm's off!"

"Only a flesh wound!" replied Damuramu.

"What flesh?" retorted Yakumo. "You're made of metal!" Suddenly, Cell's tail stabbed him in the heart, and he collapsed in a pool of blood.

"Oops," said Cell. "Sorry. I always lose track of that thing." He swung his tail around and pointed the tip at Damuramu's throat. "I'll be taking your head next, if you don't surrender to me now."

Damuramu stared cross-eyed at the sharp tip of Cell's tail and quickly came to a decision. "I think I'll have takeout pizza for dinner tonight," he decided.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Cell.

"It's a distraction!" Damuramu boasted proudly. "And now, while you're confused by my amazingly confounding logic, I make my escape!" He turned and ran, making it a full half-stride before the lack of a leg to stand on sent him crashing to his face. "Wait! Do-overs! I wasn't ready!"

"Too late," said Cell, raising his tail menacingly. "I gave you fair warning. Now I will absorb you to increase my own power." He stabbed Damuramu in the spine with his tail and began to suck the metal body through the tube like a straw.

"This isn't right!" protested Damuramu. "There are laws against being drunk in public!"

Suddenly, the absorption stopped, as Cell's tail began to emit a loud rattle. "Drat," cursed Cell. "I must have swallowed a screw." He withdrew his tail and hawked loudly, then spat out a large hunk of metal. "Hmmm... this won't work."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Damuramu. "It seems I'm too powerful for you!"

"What's left of you, anyway," replied Cell.

"Make fun of my handicap if you want," taunted Damuramu, "but there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Hack him to pieces, Cell!" shouted Marin.

"Oh, right. You can do that."

Cell obligingly chopped off the remainder of Damuramu's limbs, sliced through his neck, and then chopped his torso into julienne fries with the efficiency of a Popeil appliance.

"Hooray for Marin!" cheered Mihoshi. "She's so amazing!"

A bead of sweat ran down Cell's head. "But I did all the work...."

Marin gave Cell a hug. "Thank you, Cell. You're my best assassin friend."

Cell bent down to return her hug. "I'm pleased to be of service." His tail snaked forward and speared Yakumo through the throat as he was getting up. "Stupid tail!" he shouted, grabbing it and thrusting it back into place. "Get behind me where you belong!"

"Poor Yakumo," said Mihoshi, shaking her head sadly. "He's a walking death magnet and far too tempting a target to resist."

"Cell, you have to stop killing people who aren't bad guys!" Marin admonished him. "Yakumo's okay, but you need to be more careful of other people!"

Cell hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry. I'll return to my ampoule now." He vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving only the bottle behind.

"Ah, good! How did he know I was thirsty?" asked Mihoshi. She picked up the bottle and pried the stopper out, preparing to drink the contents.

Marin kicked Mihoshi in the kneecap and retrieved her bottle. "Don't drink Cell! Don't you remember how messy it was to get him back the last time you did that?"

Mihoshi blushed. "Oh, yeah. It's a good thing I can aim at small targets."

Clef scowled. "That's enough of that, Mihoshi. Say goodbye to your little friend and let's get back to our mission."

Marin stared at Clef. "Hey, that little doggy talked! Is it an alien from the future with a spaceship and laser eyes or razor claws or some kind of secret weapon that he uses to -"

Plue's nose shot out of his face on a spring, punching a hole through Marin's head. "Shut up, you annoying pest."

@@@

Marin shook her head. "No, I'd better not say that," she decided. "I don't want to die like that." She gave her most polite smile. "Well, I'll see you later, Miss Mihoshi, Mr. Yakumo, funny doggy thing."

"Will you really?" asked Mihoshi. "The character you're replacing wasn't really a main character in the original anime."

"Nidoking likes me too much to make me a one-shot character," replied Marin. "He thinks I'm cute and really likes my series. And it has a cool theme song."

A finger tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned around to find Tomoyo smiling at her. "I'm a one-shot character," she said.

Marin sighed and let her head hang. "Bye, Miss Mihoshi. I probably won't be coming back."

"Bye!" Mihoshi called cheerfully, waving as Marin sullenly trudged off into the sunset.

"Do you understand any of what's going on?" asked Clef.

"Nope!" boasted Mihoshi. "I find it helps me focus on the nonsensical missions if I have no idea what's going on around me!"

"Can't argue with that," agreed Clef.

Yakumo stood up. "Hey, is it sunset already? It was afternoon just a few minutes ago."

"We'd best hurry if we're going to accomplish our objective," advised Clef. "We have to cross the city quickly."

"Then this is a job for public transportation!" Mihoshi called out. She raised her arm, and a large animal padded quietly to the curb beside her. It looked a bit like a cat, but was hollow inside, with holes along its length like windows. Another hole opened just behind its head, inviting Mihoshi and her companions inside.

"Did you just flag down a bus?" asked Yakumo.

Mihoshi shrugged. "It was all I could think of. We're not near a stop."

Yakumo pointed to the nearby subway station. "We could use that."

Plue shuddered. "I'm not going underground," asserted Clef. "Mihoshi, get on the bus."

"Yes, Lord Clef!" shouted Mihoshi. She climbed through the opening and bowed to the bus driver. "Thank you for stopping for us, Mr...." - she looked at the driver's license attached to the rearview mirror - "Wee?"

"Yuy," he corrected her. "Heero Yuy."

"Oh. Well, I can't say that I -"

He leveled a pistol at her face. "Sit down or I'll kill you."

"Please don't kill me, Mr Wee!" cried Mihoshi, pushing Yakumo into the path of the gun. "Kill Yakumo instead! He always dies anyway!"

Heero stared at Yakumo, then put the gun away. "It wouldn't be right."

Yakumo sighed his relief. "Thank you!"

Heero shot him through the head. "DON'T thank the bus driver," he snapped.

"Yes, sir!" said Mihoshi. She gave a quick salute, then pulled Yakumo toward the back of the bus, where they all took a seat. The bus meowed and scuttled off, climbing over and around the buildings in its path.

"It seems as if this bus drives itself," noted Clef. "I wonder what the bus driver is here for."

Heero yawned and opened a lunchbox, spreading a tablecloth across the adjacent seat and setting out a deli-style lunch on it.

"Ambience," suggested Mihoshi.

"Indeed."

Heero lifted the top of his sandwich and scowled. "Dammit! They forgot the mustard!" He slid angrily back into the driver's seat and pointed downward. The cat-bus obligingly leapt to the ground, landing right next to a car that was stopped for a red light. Heero aimed his pistol at the driver. "Pardon me," he said. "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

The driver screamed and sped off, narrowly missing the cross traffic.

"What the hell was his problem?" asked Heero.

"The commercials lie!" Mihoshi shouted from the back of the bus. "There aren't even monsters that come out of the Yu-Gi-Oh cards!"

Heero shook his head disapprovingly. "Bastards."

*************************************************

OLD MAN: (whines) Are they here yet?

YOUNG MAN: Patience, sir.

OLD MAN: Patients? Dammit, Sousuke, I'm an evil overlord, not a doctor!

@@@COMMERCIAL BREAK@@@

A man in an expensive-looking suit sits at an expensive-looking desk drinking an expensive-looking liquor and reading some expensive-looking documents. A lackey enters through the expensive-looking double door.

LACKEY: Um, sir?

BUSINESSMAN: What?

LACKEY: There's been an accident involving one of our employees.

BUSINESSMAN: Will our profits drop?

LACKEY: No, but... the other person involved is suing us.

BUSINESSMAN: Fine. We'll hire the best lawyers in the business. Who's representing them?

He takes a drink while the lackey answers.

LACKEY: Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku.

The businessman spits alcohol all over himself and stares up at his lackey with a look of utter horror on his face. Freeze frame.

VOICEOVER: The law offices of Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku.

TESTIMONY: I was in an accident recently. The company offered to settle for five million dollars, but I saw a commercial for Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku and called them. They told me to take the matter to court, so I did. By the time it was over, the judge said I had to pay THEM twenty million dollars in damages, and I spent the next two years in prison. Thanks a lot, Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku.

Back to the office... the businessman suddenly bursts out laughing.

BUSINESSMAN: Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku? Forget the lawyers! We'll let them dig their own grave!

VOICEOVER: Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku. For the love of God, DON'T CALL THEM!

Paid for by the law offices of Mihoshi, Nuku and Nuku

@@@

Tomoyo has always been there for her friend Sakura. But now the tables have turned...   
  
"If you're going into danger, then I'm going with you," Sakura   
insisted. "We'll be stronger together."   
  
"But -"   
  
"You always stood by me when I fought the Clow Cards," Sakura   
interrupted. "Now, it's your fight, so I'm going to stand by you."   
  
A powerful force is granting every wish in Tomoyo's heart, whether she wants them or not, and the results are rarely good.   
  
"It looks like the beginning of a maze," said Tomoyo.   
  
"The MAZE card," agreed Kero. "It's JOKER again. It's trying to   
prevent us from leaving this room!"   
  
Worse yet, it has sealed the power of Clow, leaving Sakura defenseless.   
  
Sakura gasped. "If I can't summon the sealing wand, I won't be   
able to seal JOKER!"   
  
"And you won't be able to use any of the Clow Cards!" added   
Tomoyo.   
  
Sakura fell to her knees. "This is impossible! It's got all the   
magic I used to have, and I have none! How can we beat JOKER when   
we're so outmatched?"   
  
Can sweet, innocent Tomoyo take on a fight that may well end up destroying the person she cares about most?   
  
Wordlessly, Sakura turned to face Tomoyo, staring into her with   
eyes that showed no spark of humanity, merely blank enlarged green   
irises without pupils. She raised the sword in front of her body,   
poised as if to leap at any second.   
  
Kero recoiled, cringing in fear at the sight. "This is bad... she's   
under SWORD's control! And I have a feeling you're going to be her   
target!" 

52 Curses

@@@BACK TO THE SHOW@@@

OLD MAN: Do we get to do ANYTHING in this episode?

YOUNG MAN: You get to bitch a lot.

OLD MAN: Eeeeeeeeexcellent.

*************************************************

Zenigata raised a fist as the group rounded a corner, calling everyone to a halt.

"What's wrong now?" asked Rally.

Zenigata sniffed at the air. "Lupin!"

Moroboshi groaned. "Oh, man! Not another stupid flower!"

Chii groaned. "Chii! Stupid flower!"

The gate in front of them opened, and a short man with thick glasses, a white lab coat, and a black mustache and goatee stepped out and stood in front of the group. "So, there you are. We've been waiting for you."

Zenigata nodded cordially. "Lupin."

"Please, call me Dr. Madblood," requested the doctor. "I didn't take six years at the Harvard University of Evil Science to be called by my first name."

"Instead, you ended up as the doorman for some rich guy?" guessed Nuriko.

Dr. Madblood cleared his throat. "The first step to world conquest is amassment of financial capital," he announced as if quoting from a book.

"So, mad science doesn't pay the bills, eh?" asked Moroboshi smugly.

"Chii, eh?" echoed Chii smugly. Suddenly, her face broke into a smile, and she clapped. "Chii, eh! Chii, eh! Chii, eh!"

Moroboshi tapped her head with his knuckles. "What the heck? Is she broken?"

Bloodberry sighed. "She likes the way it sounds."

"At least she's starting to develop a personality," Rally pointed out.

Nuriko bent down to stare at Chii's posterior. "Think there's a 'Made in Canada' label back here?"

"Chii, eh!"

"That's going to get even more annoying than Nuku Nuku," said Bloodberry.

"Speaking of which...." Rally scanned the group quickly. "Where IS Nuku Nuku?"

"She's not here?" Bloodberry asked hopefully. "Quick, let's get inside before she finds us!"

"Nyay! Nyere nyou guys nyare!" called an excited voice from the end of the block. Nuku Nuku ran up on all fours and leapt onto Moroboshi, knocking him to the ground. "NyI missed nyou so much!"

Chii fell onto her back and put on a pained expression. "Chii, eh...."

"Why the heck are you talking like that?" asked Moroboshi.

"Nyike what?"

"Like that!"

"Chii, nyeh!"

Nuku Nuku scratched her chin. "NyI don't nyow."

"Maybe you should stop talking and let the rest of us figure out what to do," suggested Rally.

Dr. Madblood shook his head sadly. "And I thought my robotic clones had issues.... So are you people going to follow me inside or not?"

A dialogue box appeared in front of the group with three options:

1) FOLLOW HIM

2) WALK AWAY

3) PUT IT IN

"I've always wanted to see what would happen if we chose option three," said Moroboshi.

"Three, eh!"

Nuriko grabbed the dialogue box and brought it down over Moroboshi's head. "We'll follow you," he informed Dr. Madblood.

"Nyay!" cheered Nuku Nuku. "We get to go nyinto the nyig nyouse!" She leapt to her feet and charged into the mansion grounds at full speed.

"Wait!" shouted Dr. Madblood. "The path is full of -"

From within the grounds came the expected TWANG! and the further expected "NYAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"- booby traps," the doctor finished unnecessarily.

"I wonder," said Bloodberry, "whether playing with that flower may not have had some effect on her mind. What do you think, Inspector?"

There was no reply.

"Now Zenigata's not here?" asked Nuriko. "Why can't we ever stick together?"

[BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO FIND LINES FOR EVERYONE,] said Genma.

"Your friend has already gone inside to inspect the grounds," Dr. Madblood informed them. "I will take the rest of you directly to the lord of the manor, who is my obedient mind-slave."

"Your what?" asked Rally.

"Er, will be. Will be my obedient mind-slave, once I take over the world," Madblood corrected himself. "Please follow me, obedient mind-slaves."

"What did you -?"

"FUTURE obedient mind-slaves."

*************************************************

The group stood in the large reception hall whose far end was shrouded in shadow. "So, where is this lord guy we're supposed to be meeting?" asked Moroboshi.

"Over there," said Chii, pointing into the darkness.

Moroboshi blinked in surprise. "What did you say?"

"Chii? Eh!"

"Join me," said a deep voice from the darkness. "Come to the dark side."

"Never!" shouted Nuriko. "We'll never become evil like you!"

"That was rather harsh, don't you think?" replied their host. "I meant that you should come closer so that you can see me. The lights on this side of the room don't work."

Nuriko's face fell. "Oh, right."

They walked into the darkness, their vision adjusting to the new light level with each step. Finally, they were standing before an ornate throne on which a very old man sat, flanked by two much younger men who looked to be about high school age. "Welcome to my manor," said the old man, adjusting his turban to cover his pointed ears. "It's so nice to finally meet you. Do you have your Golden Tickets?"

"Golden tickets?" repeated Rally. "Nobody said anything about Golden Tickets. In fact, nobody's said anything about this place the whole time. Where exactly are we, and who are you?"

"Ah, yes. Forgive me. I had forgotten that I haven't been named yet. Call me Ishmael."

"Your name is Ishmael?" asked Rally.

"No, my name is Wang."

Moroboshi couldn't stifle a giggle. "Wang! Are you serious?"

Chii cracked up. "Wang, eh! Sherlock Wang!" Then, she stopped laughing. "What is 'wang'?"

Before Moroboshi could sober up enough to reply, Nuriko pointed at Wang. "That man," he said, "is a Wang."

Chii pointed at Wang. "Wang."

Massive veins bulged in Wang's forehead. "Stop saying my name!"

Rally flicked the back of Moroboshi's ear. "That's enough immaturity from you. Let's just find out why we're here and get on with our mission."

"Right," agreed Wang. "Sousuke?"

The man at Wang's right stepped forward. "I am Lieutenant Sousuke Sagara of General Wang's Liberation Army."

"Liberation Army?" repeated Rally, who was quickly becoming accustomed to confusedly repeating every line of the conversation.

Sousuke straightened up. "Please forget that you heard that! I am Sousuke Sagara, an ordinary civilian of no relation to General Wang or his Liberation Army with aspirations to take over the world!"

Wang sighed and rested his forehead on his fingers. "Idiot."

"We were told that there were ghosts in this house," said Bloodberry, plowing to the heart of the issue.

"Oh, yeah," said Wang's other underling. "That'd be me."

"You're dead?" asked Nuriko. "You look alive enough to me."

"Well, I'm alive NOW," he replied. "I got better."

"Does everyone suddenly have the power to do that?" asked Rally, drawing a rifle from her jacket and pointing it at Moroboshi's head.

Moroboshi quickly ducked as she pulled the trigger. "I don't!"

"Chii!" screamed Chii as she threw herself to the ground.

"I was an exception," boasted the former ghost. "Not even the afterlife can hold me."

"These days, the afterlife seems more like a vacation spot than a final destination," said Rally.

"You're not related to a man named Yakumo, are you?" asked Nuriko.

"Never heard of him. My name's Yuusuke Urameshi. My friends call me Urameshi, but you can call me Sir."

"Just don't call him late for dinner!" piped Wang.

Everyone in the room glared at him.

"Right, sorry." Wang slid off the throne and bashfully slinked out of the room.

"Hey, wait a second!" shouted Rally. "You haven't told us what we're supposed to do!"

"You're the intruders here," said Sousuke. "If you have any business here, it's yours, not ours."

"We're only here because that weird guy with the book told us to come!" said Rally.

"He didn't happen to be sucking on a pacifier, did he?" asked Yuusuke.

"I wouldn't put it past him," said Moroboshi. "That guy was a loon."

Rally's gun reappeared in her hand and put a bullet through Moroboshi's skull before he could blink. "Jinkies!" she exclaimed. "Why did that happen?"

Chii blinked, then threw herself enthusiastically to the floor beside Moroboshi.

Sailor Pluto stepped out from behind the throne and sighed. "When will they learn not to insult the author?" she asked as she waved her rod.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@KERPLUNK!

"Well, that felt weird," said Moroboshi. "I could have sworn I was dead for a minute there."

"Everyone but me, I swear," said Rally. Then, shrugging, she pressed the barrel of the gun to her own forehead.

Nuriko quickly knocked it away. "Don't be an idiot!"

"Yeah, that's MY job!" added Moroboshi.

"HIS job!" echoed Chii.

"Gee, thanks," Moroboshi said glumly. "Rub it in."

"Chii, thanks," Chii echoed glumly.

"Hey, what's with all the shooting?" Zenigata asked loudly as he strode into the room. "Nobody's supposed to shoot anyone until I get here!"

"And where exactly have you been?" asked Nuriko.

"I was searching for clues!" boasted Zenigata. "And look what I found!" He proudly held up a T-shirt with the words "I KILLED SOMEONE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT" written in dripping letters of blood.

"Aha!" shouted Moroboshi. "Evidence of murder!"

Zenigata slipped his hat on. "I think not, my good man. I've seen this very garment available in novelty shops throughout this city. I believe someone's playing a jolly jape on us."

"I don't think it's very jolly," said Rally. "Something had better happen soon. This chapter's almost over, and we still haven't gotten to any sort of plot yet."

"I vote we keep it up as long as we can," suggested Nuriko.

"Not a good idea," said Bloodberry. "The longer we take to solve this mystery, the longer we have to keep up this ridiculous story."

Rally nodded. "Let's split up so we can search faster."

"Great idea!" exclaimed Moroboshi. "You and Bloodberry can come with me and check upstairs!"

"Forget it," said Rally. "We're going with Nuriko." She stepped away from him and pushed Nuriko toward Bloodberry, leaving Moroboshi standing between Nuku Nuku and Chii.

"Hey!" shouted Moroboshi as the three of them walked away. "You can't leave an entire group without any smart people! It's inefficient use of resources!"

"So is the rest of our department!" Rally shot back. "We'll manage!"

"Well, damn," said Moroboshi. "Why does HE get the cute girls? He doesn't even want them!"

"Nyuku Nyuku's cute too!" protested Nuku Nuku.

"Chii too, eh!"

"Maybe we should be in groups of two," suggested Moroboshi. "We'd find the clues even faster that way." He gave the two young androids a shove. "Go on! Sniff out the clues!"

"Nyut we want nyo stay with nyou!" whined Nuku Nuku, throwing her arms around Moroboshi.

"Chii with you!" whined Chii, throwing her arms around Moroboshi.

"Aren't you supposed to be copying me?" asked Moroboshi.

"Chii?" asked Chii, confused.

Moroboshi sighed. "All right. Let's go check out the kitchen, then. That seems to be the most logical place for me." He lowered his head and shuffled out of the room with both girls still attached.

"Wanna go get something to drink?" invited Yuusuke.

"I believe that would be socially acceptable," replied Sousuke.

"You could just say 'yes'," advised Yuusuke.

"I believe that would be socially acceptable," agreed Sousuke.

Yuusuke sighed. "Darn it. Just shut up and let's go."

Minutes passed after Wang's officers had left the room. Finally, Genma ventured to hold up a sign. [I THINK THEY'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT US.]

"Indubitably," agreed Zenigata as he lit his pipe.

[OH, NO....]

"Time for us to move along, my great big furry friend/Because this chapter's getting long, we must be near the end/So let's all go a-searching, so we can find those clues/I don't know if we'll find any, because my name's not Blue!"

[AND I THOUGHT THIS SCENE WOULD END QUIETLY....]

*************************************************

"How long is this going to go on?" Pluto asked impatiently.

"What's wrong?" asked Nidoking. "Isn't it funny enough for you?"

"You forget, I have no sense of humor," said Pluto. "Meanwhile, this chapter is becoming far longer than the first, and you've only just started the plot. Unless you plan to make this a two-part episode...."

"But I can't do that!" protested Nidoking. "There's a point to it all that would be ruined if I stretched it to a second part!"

"Then I suggest you make something happen, and quickly," she advised him, returning her attention to her glass of wine.

The phone behind the bar rang, and Mr. Fujisawa picked it up and listened intently.

Nidoking sighed defeatedly. "Fine." He rolled a knife casually between his fingers, then hurled it over his shoulder. It struck the dartboard squarely in the bulls-eye and promptly vanished. "There. That ought to end up in someone's back."

"You do realize that now you're the murderer they're going to be looking for?"

"Shut up."

Mr. Fujisawa covered the mouthpiece of the phone. "Hey, has anyone here seen Mai Wang? I'm trying to find Mai Wang!"

Everyone in the bar snickered.

"Come on! I can't find Mai Wang all by myself!"

There were more snickers.

"Is she sitting in the back where she can't hear me? Someone get Mai Wang to stand up!"

The snickers really satisfied everyone.

Mr. Fujisawa suddenly realized what he was saying and hissed harshly into the phone. "Listen, you little snot! One of these days, I'm going to get my hands on you, and then...!" His hand balled into a fist, crushing the receiver into dust. "Man, I need a drink," he grumbled.

*************************************************

"Gackt!" Yuusuke fell face first to the ground, Nidoking's knife protruding from his back.

Sousuke stared at his fallen comrade and slowly shook his head. "Looks like I'll be drinking alone again."

Yuusuke leapt to his feet as Sousuke walked away. "Wait, come back! I'm not really dead!"

OH, I BEG TO DIFFER.

Yuusuke whirled to face a black cloak that, given its shape, probably housed a body or something shaped like one. "Who are you?" he asked.

I'M DEATH, NATURALLY. ALTHOUGH YOURS SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN RATHER UNNATURAL.

"Death?" repeated Yuusuke, scratching his soul's head. "What happened to Botan?"

YOU SHOULD KNOW THE PATTERN BY NOW. ONE CHARACTER PER SERIES.

"But you're not even an anime character!"

I'VE BEEN ANIMATED.

"But -!"

YOU CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE A MURDER MYSTERY WITHOUT A MURDER, CAN YOU? SO BE A GOOD BOY AND JUST LET US GET BACK TO THE LIVING CHARACTERS.

"Oh, fine," grumbled Yuusuke, crossing his arms. "If there's a bright side to all this, I got plenty of action while I was dead in my own series."

THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT, agreed Death as he swung his scythe.

*************************************************

THIS SCENE CHANGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY MIHOSHI, NUKU AND NUKU. DON'T CALL THEM.

*************************************************

Mihoshi pushed the door open and charged into the mansion. "Am I late?" she called out. "We'd have been here sooner, but I had to get a feel for the traffic!"

Clef leapt into Yakumo's arms, and Mihoshi plunged into a pit.

"So, what are we looking for here?" asked Yakumo, stepping carefully around the pit. His foot landed on a dead body, and he fell sideways, nearly joining Mihoshi in the dusty basement. "Hey, what the -? It's a corpse! And it isn't mine!"

"Yeah, it's mine!" Yuusuke shouted inaudibly.

"Looks like there's been a murder," assessed Yakumo. "And as much as I'd like to say Mihoshi's probably responsible, she only just got here."

"And I've fallen down this very deep hole!" Mihoshi added. "I fell a long way and carelessly became trapped!"

"Is it too late to make her the corpse?" asked Clef.

"Well, YEAH," snapped Yuusuke. "I'm already dead!"

"Do you feel a strange presence here?" asked Clef. "I sense the spirits are restless in this place...."

"Ooh, check this out!" shouted Mihoshi. "There's a nifty little toaster down here!" A wide beam of light shone from the depths of the pit, engulfed Yuusuke's spirit, and dragged it down into the pit, screaming all the way until it was trapped forever in the tiny caution-striped box.

"Never mind," said Clef. "It's gone."

"Hey!" yelled Mihoshi. "Where's my toast?"

*************************************************

"You know, I've got a few questions to ask our host," said Rally, as her group walked into a long hallway lined with doors. "And what's with this hallway, anyway? Are these all closets or what? They're too close together to be actual rooms!"

"Maybe they're just painted on," suggested Nuriko, opening the nearest one. He found himself staring into the headlight of an oncoming train and quickly slammed it shut. "Maybe we shouldn't touch them," he advised.

"The spatial dimensions of this mansion are physically impossible," Bloodberry calculated.

"Tell that to the door," said Nuriko. "Or maybe you'd like to open it?"

"I will," replied Bloodberry. "There is no danger."

Nuriko dove for cover as Bloodberry turned the doorknob and pulled the door open. "See?" said Bloodberry. "There is nothing to fear here. It is only our friends in the kitchen."

Nuriko carefully peered around the edge of the doorframe. A gout of fire shot out of the door and charred his head. "Ouch...."

Moroboshi belched contentedly. "Sorry about that. It's all this curry."

"Curry," said Chii, pointing at the table.

"No, Chii, that's pudding," explained Moroboshi.

"Pudding?" asked Chii, pointing at Moroboshi.

"Nyooky! Nyooky!" shouted Nuku Nuku. "Nyi found nya nyummy fish!"

Nuriko shook the ashes off his face and charged into the kitchen. "You idiots! What are you doing stuffing your faces when we're supposed to be looking for clues?"

"Clues," said Chii, pointing at a note written in blood that had been thrust into the napkin holder.

Nuriko blinked. "Well, I suppose that works."

"See?" Moroboshi asked triumphantly. "Stopping in the kitchen for a snack ALWAYS works!"

"Let's see what it says," suggested Bloodberry, grabbing the note. "'Milk, eggs, fabric softener....' This is a grocery list!"

"Written in blood?" asked Rally. "Someone must have been desperate for a pen."

"Or maybe it's just ketchup," replied Moroboshi, rubbing a french fry against the red letters and popping it into his mouth. His face turned blue. "I don't think that's ketchup...."

Bloodberry sniffed carefully at the note. "My olfactory sensors identify this substance as lipstick."

"Lipstick?" repeated everyone else, except Moroboshi, who had run to the sink to spit, and Chii, who was spitting on Moroboshi's back.

"But there are no women living in this house," observed Bloodberry. "Whose lipstick could it be?"

"Something tells me we have all the clues we need," said Rally. "I think it's about time for...."

The door at the far end of the room burst open and Wang stepped into the room, looming menacingly. "I want to suck your blood!"

"Here!" shouted Nuriko, pressing the shopping list into his hand. "Suck this! It looks like blood!"

Wang stared at the list and crumpled it up. "It was just an expression, you know." He tossed the wadded-up paper onto the table, into the arms of a waiting Pikachu.

"Pika?" The Pikachu sniffed excitedly at the paper, then pulled it open and licked eagerly at it. It stuck out its tongue disgustedly and threw the paper aside. "Pika...." Its eyes darkened, and its fur crackled.

"I suggest we run," said Bloodberry. "An angry Pikachu can be -" She looked up to see that everyone else had already fled into the hallway, and quickly followed them.

CUE MUSIC: They Might Be Giants - Wicked Little Critta

Moroboshi emerged into the hallway first, ran across the hall, threw the door open, and ran inside, slamming it shut behind him. Rally followed, leaving the door open for Chii, Nuku Nuku, Nuriko, and Bloodberry, who slammed it shut again so that Wang smacked into it face first. He opened it and ran inside just in time to be followed by the Pikachu. The door shut on its own, and a door at the far end opened, disgorging Moroboshi, the Pikachu, Rally, Nuku Nuku, and Wang, who ran into another door just as Bloodberry, Nuriko, Chii, and the Pikachu ran out of yet another door, turned, and ran into the previous door. That same door opened to admit the Pikachu, Rally, Genma, Tomoyo, Zenigata, and the Harlem Globetrotters, who circled around each other and ran right back inside. Then Nuriko emerged from yet another door, opened the door across the hall, and threw himself aside as a train crossed the hallway.

"Wait, hold it!" called Rally, as she emerged from a door on the near side of the train. "The door gag just doesn't work in prose."

"Then you'd best find somewhere else to run!" warned Wang, as the train finally completed its crossing, revealing him standing at the far end of the hallway with the Pikachu in his arms. "This Pikachu is mine, and as they say, you're in for quite a shock!"

The group ran straight down the hallway, ignoring the confusing doors in their haste to escape. Rally, in the lead, tore down the staircase, and Nuku Nuku nearly missed the turn until Bloodberry grabbed her arm and pulled her along.

"Nyey!" shouted Nuku Nuku. "Nyi dropped my fish!"

Wang rounded the corner, slipped on the fish, and tumbled head over heels down the stairs, taking down one member of the group after another in a giant screaming ball of bodies as he went. Finally, they hit the bottom step with a bad bounce and flew across the room, landing right on top of Yakumo and Clef. Clef squeezed out from under the pile, sliding easily through the pool of Yakumo's blood.

"Well, that takes care of that," he announced.

Everyone in the pile clambered to their feet, leaving the dazed Wang lying on top of Yakumo's body. "No!" screamed Nuriko. "What have they done to you?"

"Nye killed Nyakumo!" shouted Nuku Nuku. "Nyand nye stepped nyon my fish!"

"Let's take off the mask and see who he really is!" cheered Mihoshi as she climbed out of the pit.

"Mask?" asked Moroboshi. "What mask?"

"All the villains wear masks, silly!" said Mihoshi. She reached over and pulled off Wang's rubber mask.

Everyone gasped in unison. "INSPECTOR ZENIGATA?!"

"Well, of COURSE Inspector Zenigata was the culprit," said Bloodberry definitively. "It all makes sense."

"How did you figure out that it was me?" asked Zenigata. "Was it the fact that Wang and I were never in the room at the same time? Or the lipstick that I use because I'm so effeminate? Or the fact that I have a split personality, and knew everything about the murders here even before they happened?"

"We took off the mask and saw your face," explained Moroboshi.

"I wonder why we never thought of that before," wondered Nuriko.

"Isn't this the first time we've been in a murder mystery?" returned Rally.

The front door opened, and a policewoman with short black hair stepped into the room. "So, where's this murderer I was called in to arrest?"

"That's the guy!" shouted Moroboshi, pointing at Zenigata.

"Chii the guy!" shouted Chii, pointing at Moroboshi.

The policewoman sighed. "TWO murderers? Good thing I brought the extra set of handcuffs."

"Hey, wait a second!" protested Moroboshi. "I'm no murderer! Chii, what do you think you're doing?"

She pointed at him enthusiastically. "Sherlock Pudding! Yakumo! Chii, eh! Murderer!"

"Shut up already before I have to kill you!"

"That's all I needed to hear," said the policewoman. She spun him around and quickly handcuffed him. Then she hauled Zenigata to his feet and slapped a pair of cuffs on him as well.

"Wait, Officer Natsumi, you can't arrest me!" he protested. "That guy isn't even dead!"

Natsumi looked at Yakumo's body. "He looks dead to me."

"That's impossible! He's Yakumo, right? He always comes back to life!" He breathed into Yakumo's mouth. "Come on, you dead idiot! On your feet and exonerate me!"

"I've seen enough!" said Natsumi, pulling him away from the corpse. "Both of you are coming with me, and that's that. You're Under Arrest!"

The studio audience cheered and applauded, and the actors all smiled back at them.

"Chii?" Chii stepped in front of Natsumi and held out her arms.

"Aww, how cute," said Natsumi, rubbing Chii's head. "Do you want to be arrested too?"

"Chii...." Chii nodded sadly, glancing at Moroboshi.

"All right." Natsumi slapped a pair of handcuffs on Chii. "But I don't think there's enough room for all three of you on my motorcycle, so you're just going to have to run alongside me."

"But the police station's all the way on the other side of town!" protested Moroboshi. "We'll never make it that far!"

"Don't worry," Natsumi assured him. "I just filled the tank, so we've got plenty of gas." She threw a rope around the three of them, tying them together, and dragged them outside. "Now let's get a move on if we want to make it before Cops!"

Rally wiped her hands in satisfaction. "Well, I'd call that a successful mission," she declared.

"But Moroboshi and Chii were arrested," Bloodberry reminded her.

"What part of that contradicts 'successful mission'?" asked Rally.

Yakumo sat up and coughed. "Gross... I think that guy slipped me the tongue or something!"

Nuriko snapped his fingers. "Darn!"

"Wait," said Rally. "You mean you were just faking it?"

"Hey, who could possibly play dead better than me?" asked Yakumo.

Everyone laughed heartily.

Rally pulled out an assault rifle and shot Yakumo full of holes. "I don't like being tricked!"

"Nyuku Nyuku nyuuuuuuuu!" cried Nuku Nuku.

Everyone turned to stare at her. "Why did you say that?" asked Rally.

Nuku Nuku shrugged. "Nyi don't nyow."

Everyone laughed heartily again.

*************************************************

"Wait," grumbled Yuusuke. "Does this mean I died for nothing? What a ripoff."

*************************************************

"You do realize that most of those characters weren't even based on anyone from the original Excel Saga," said Hatsuharu, phrasing his question in the form of a condescending statement.

"Well, yeah," Nidoking admitted. "But I'm trying to tell a story here."

"No, you're not," put in Maetel. "You're just trying to be funny at any cost."

"So, did it work?" asked the desperate author.

"I don't even know why we're here at all," said Kukai.

"It's simple," explained Nidoking. "You're Antonio, the guy from the mountain cabin. Maetel is Tetsuko, and Hatsuharu is Space Butler. Because of the hair, you know."

"This hardly compares to that clown hair of his," griped Hatsuharu.

"But why are we here?" repeated Kukai. "What's our purpose in this scene?"

Nidoking shrugged. "To be you guys, I suppose. You're filling out the roster. I promised the readers a bunch of replacements for minor characters, and I just couldn't leave you guys out, but you didn't fit into the story anywhere, so... here you are."

"That's it?"

"Well, yeah."

"Then I'm leaving," announced Maetel, donning her heavy iron mask as she stood up. The other two followed, Kukai pausing only to punch Nidoking in the stomach as he went.

"I probably deserved that," moaned Nidoking as he crumpled to the floor.

"Barkeep, one more round!" called out Sailor Pluto.

*************************************************

EPISODE 2: THE PLOT IS ON MY FOOT

TODAY'S RIPOFF - ER, EXPERIMENT................... FAILED

*************************************************

"ONIZUKAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The scream resounded through the countryside, causing the birds roosting in the trees to take flight and livestock to bury their heads in the mud in fear. The bedraggled figure responsible for the yell stood at the gate of the Ikari property, breathing heavily, fists clenched in preparation for what would surely be a mighty battle.

Minutes passed, and nothing happened.   
Minutes passed, and nothing happened.   
Minutes passed, and nothing happened.   
And there was probably a flamenco dance in the background somewhere.   
  
- Anonymous 

Finally losing what little patience he had, Shinji stormed up to the door and banged on it with his fist. "ONIZUKAAAAAAAAA!"

"Geez, chill already, ya freak," said Onizuka as he opened the door. "I hadda get dressed, you know. Can't kick the crap outta you naked."

Shinji's resolve broke instantaneously. "D-dressed? You don't mean...."

Naru stepped into the doorway, hastily pulling a flimsy nightgown over her lingerie-clad body. "Shinji, what are you doing back here? I thought Onizuka kicked the crap out of you and tossed you into the desert to die."

Tears streamed down Shinji's face. "I thought I could win you back by crawling all the way back home, but now I'm just going to lose again to this jerk!"

Onizuka cracked his knuckles. "So, what's it gonna be, pantywaist? Am I gonna wring your neck, or are you just gonna lie down like a good little puppy and beg for mercy?"

Shinji summoned up all his nerve and balled his hands into fists. "You can't hurt me!" he shouted defiantly. "Because you're not the real Eikichi Onizuka!"

Onizuka and Naru were shocked. "What the hell are you talking about?" asked Onizuka.

Shinji reached up and grabbed Onizuka's face. "Let's see who you really are!" he shouted as he pulled off the mask.

Naru and Shinji gasped in unison. "D.B. SOMMER?!"

"Of course!" exclaimed Shinji. "It all makes sense! He was the author who inspired this story, so of course he'd have to be in it somewhere!"

D.B. shook his head. "There's one problem with that. If I were really D.B. Sommer, I wouldn't be married to Naru."

"Well, that's not a problem," said Naru, reaching up to remove her own mask.

Shinji and D.B. gasped in unison. "MUTSUMI?!"

Mutsumi giggled. "Well, of course it's me, silly! Who did you expect?"

"Wait..." said D.B. "Isn't this a violation of the rules? There was only supposed to be one character per series!"

"We've broken that rule a few times already," Mutsumi reminded him. "But if you insist... there is ONE explanation that would make sense here." She reached up and grabbed the top of her head.

"Wait!" protested D.B. "I WANT you to be Mutsumi!" But it was too late, as the mask came off.

D.B. and Shinji gasped in unison. "KANAKO?!"

"Well, duh," said Kanako. "Which means that this guy isn't really D.B. Sommer." She pulled the mask off her former self's former self's husband's alter ego's alter ego.

Kanako and Shinji gasped in unison. "NIDOKING?!"

Nidoking shrugged. "I guess I had to play a part in this subplot after all."

"But why would you be married to Kanako?" asked Shinji.

"I have no idea," he answered frankly. "But then, if it made sense, I'd have to take off another mask, and this joke's gone on long enough already."

Shinji's eyes sparkled with hope. "Wait... do you think I might be someone else in disguise?" He grabbed his hair and tugged earnestly. "OW! It's real!"

"Idiot," said Kanako darkly.

"It's not fair!" cried Shinji. "I'm stuck as me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ugh," groaned Nidoking. "I'm writing myself out of this freak show. Enjoy your marriage, you two." He waved and vanished in a flash of light.

Kanako let her head hang. "Why didn't I just let Naru have this job?"

Sheltered within the small cabin, Tomoyo smiled to herself and pulled off a mask of her own. "I told you he'd let me come back!" Marin announced triumphantly.

*************************************************

ATTEMPT TO INDULGENTLY OVERUSE NIDOKING'S FAVORITE CARD CAPTOR SAKURA CHARACTER.................OVERWHELMING SUCCESS

*************************************************

MIHOSHI: So, is it really true that you got the Excel Saga manga?

NIDOKING: Isn't that what I said in the chapter?

MIHOSHI: But what does that mean for our story?

NIDOKING: Doesn't it just beg for an episode based on the original manga?

MIHOSHI: Why are we talking in questions?

NIDOKING: Don't you recognize the reference?

MIHOSHI: What are you talking about?

NIDOKING: That's cheating.

A buzzer sounds.

NIDOKING: Dammit!

MIHOSHI: Next time on Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z: The Manga-nificent Beginning!

NIDOKING: Won't you join us?

TO BE CONTINYUED...

*************************************************

Pop-under notes: You don't seriously need me to explain these a second time, do you? It's a meta-explanation anyway. If you can't figure that much out on your own, you probably didn't even realize that this entire episode was a parody of Scooby Doo. Did you?

Cotton in cheeks: This, I'm told, is how Marlon Brando did the deep voice of The Godfather in the movie of the same name. As implied, I know little else about the movie. But there was a fake fight scene in the third one.

With my current salary, I can't prosper: Salary is "kyuuryou" and prosper is "kouryuu". Another bad Excel-style pun.

Chii: The main persocom from Chobits. Like her QEFEFZ incarnation, the original Chii began the story with no memory or personality, and learned everything by mimicking the main character, Hideki. I think that Chii learned more quickly, though.

Inspector Zenigata: Lupin III's arch-nemesis, or vice versa. He's always chasing Lupin and rarely catching him, although the manga incarnation of Lupin is far sneakier than anything I've seen in the anime.

They killed Kenny: South Park. Duh.

Sherlock Holmes: The main character of a series of books by Arthur Conan Doyle and one of the most famous fictional detectives ever. This split personality was the best thing I could think of to correspond to Purin's. Yes, I lack imagination.

Hoedown: Almost always the last game played in Whose Line Is It Anyway, the British improvised comedy show where every episode starts with a hilarious comment like this one, only it's actually funny.

James Cameron: The director of, among other things, The Terminator.

DiCaprio: Short for Leonardo DiCaprio, star of such movies as Titanic, which James Cameron also directed. So if you knew those basic pieces of movie trivia, the joke was probably somewhat humorous. If you didn't, go to the IMDB and learn some basic movie trivia before the third chapter.

Damuramu: Yes, this villain also appeared in Dragon Half and apparently died, only to return mostly made of metal. It was him or Frieza to play the part of the old guy, and Frieza's not nearly as funny. Also, I needed a DBZ character for later, as it happens. And I wanted to take advantage of having finally gotten to see Key the Metal Idol. So that's why the incredible contrivance surrounding that whole flashback joke. (Which is itself a Dragon Half reference....)

Paradoxes: This is a reference to my own story, A General Time Paradox. The name says it all, although I urge you to read it. Because I always like having more readers. ^_^

Mr. Fujisawa: The drunk teacher from El-Hazard. Who better to run a bar, right? And when he's NOT drunk, he gains superhuman strength... not quite enough to make him quit, but it is tempting.

Key: Yes, this time I know the Key from Key the Metal Idol well enough to use her as a replacement for Key from Excel Saga. She really talks like that, too. At least, in Japanese. And she refers to herself as "watashi" whereas the English translation always has her refer to herself by name. I guess that works for a robot-sounding character.

Excel Saga manga: Read it. And yes, this scene corresponds to the weekend when I bought the first volume of the manga. It naturally had to go into the story right then and there. And yes, it took me THAT long to write the rest of this chapter.

One MILLION dollars: Dr. Evil from Austin Powers was thrilled about having one million dollars. And used air quotes all the time. And did all the other stuff this character does in the scene. I have no idea why I decided to make him an endless source of outdated movie references, but there you go. My very own Excel Saga-style personality. Oh, wait, I added Chii. Oh well. My very own TWO Excel Saga-style personaliti- wait, there are two more. THREE, er FOUR....

Marin Asagi: The main character of Brigadoon, of course. Everyone should know that, if they've had any contact with me at all in the last, oh, say, period of time. Of course, Suncoast STILL can't get their hands on the DVDs to sell them to me... volume 4 is about a month overdue. But if you can find the DVDs, watch them. They're good. Marin has a vivid imagination and often sees visions of her own demise that lead her to choose her actions carefully.

Green Swordsman: This is, of course, Cell from Dragonball Z. In Brigadoon, Marin carried around a tiny blue bottle known as an ampoule, from which the Blue Swordsman, Melan, would emerge when she threw it. Melan looks just a bit like Cell, I think. That's about the only connection Cell has to Marin, and none at all to the original Excel Saga... but then, I've ignored the original since episode 1 ended.

Your arm's off!: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I shall speak no more of this.

Popeil: Did this guy make ANYTHING that didn't make julienne fries efficiently? Well, maybe Crazy Glue... just listen to Weird Al's "Mr. Popeil" for the full story here.

Tail, get behind me: This, oddly enough, is a reference to a really old Nick Jr. Show called Eureeka's Castle. The dragon's tail had a mind of its own and would go anywhere except behind its owner. His catchphrase was "Tail, get behind!" I changed it to make sense, particularly in the grammatical sense.

Catbus: The conveyance of choice in My Neighbor Totoro. I couldn't just have a regular bus, could I?

Heero Yuy: The main character of Gundam Wing. He gets a small part because I really couldn't stand that series. I didn't change his personality at all. Nope, not one bit. Seriously. Well, okay, I lied. I made him about ten times more cheerful.

Grey Poupon: You remember the commercials... two cars are stopped at a red light, and one driver motions to the other to roll down his window. (This probably predates automatic windows.) They both roll down their windows, and the first driver says "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?" The other driver would then hand over a jar of this fine Dijon mustard, proving that... oh, I don't know, let's just say it has about as much to do with the product as the Pepsi girl or any jeans commercial.

Not a doctor: Star Trek reference. Need I say more?

Eeexcellent: Mr. Burns of The Simpsons fame says this all the time.

Lupin Madblood: Not an anime character at all, but Dr Narbon's arch-rival and secret crush in Narbonic, the online comic strip by Shaenon Garrity. Used with permission. Yes, I asked. That's just the kind of guy I am.

Come to the dark side: A Star Wars reference.

Golden Tickets: A Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory reference.

Call me Ishmael: The first line of Moby Dick, I believe. I couldn't even get that far into it.

Wang: The evil vizier in The Irresponsible Captain Tylor. Is it just me, or did viziers exist for the sole purpose of being evil and plotting to take over the kingdom? Have you EVER heard of a "good vizier"?

Sousuke Sagara: A main character of Fullmetal Panic. I say "a" because Chidori's a hell of a lot more fun. I didn't change Sousuke's personality either, but at least I like his series.

Yuusuke Urameshi: The main character of Yuu Yuu Hakusho. He died right at the start, then came back to life with powers gained from having been a ghost. He was also the school bully, and generally a real jerk. He took orders from Koenma, the son of King Enma, who looked very much like a baby. Yuusuke loved making fun of him.

Mai Wang: Another Simpsons reference, this time to Bart's constant prank calls to Moe the bartender.

Gackt: This guy's name seriously sounds like what someone might say if they get stabbed.

DEATH: This is the Death of Discworld, naturally. Also not anime, but he has been animated and made into graphic adventure games.

Get a feel for the traffic: "Koutsuu no kotsu wo oboeru." Probably the worst pun yet.

Fell a long way and carelessly became trapped: "Fukaku ochite, fukaku ni ochiita." It makes up for the last one, I feel.

Nifty little toaster: This is the ghost trap from Ghostbusters. I hope you all caught that.

Milk, eggs, fabric softener: A Home Alone reference, for no reason whatsoever. Seriously. I have no idea why I even mentioned it in these notes.

I want to suck your blood: A generic vampire reference. I don't really care whether it's an actual quote or not at this point.

Harlem Globetrotters: I was going to have each of the mask removing scenes have a few more masks, including such Scooby Doo favorites as Professor Hyde-White, Don Knotts, Davy Jones, the Ghost Miner, and others, but a Johnny Bravo episode used almost exactly the same gag, so I got rid of it. Maybe that's where I got this whole idea from in the first place. Wouldn't surprise me much.

Natsumi: One of the main characters in You're Under Arrest. I don't believe she has her driver's license, or at least she doesn't at the start of the manga, so she can only drive a motorcycle.

Hatsuharu: One of the characters from Fruits Basket. His distinctive feature is that his hair is striped... and it's natural. They check.

Maetel: The character from Galaxy Express 999 who was the template for Tetsuko. Who better to play the part?

Kukai: The big bald guy from Flame of Recca. He doesn't attack anyone until he's provoked three times. Guess he took exception to Nidoking, but everyone wants to hurt Nidoking.

Mutsumi: D.B.'s favorite Love Hina character.

Kanako: Keitaro's sister. She's a master of disguise and has disguised herself as Naru and Mutsumi, as well as countless other Love Hina characters.

Talking in questions: Another Whose Line Is It Anyway game. The participants have to speak entirely in questions or they get buzzed out and replaced. Yes, that's two Whose Line references in one chapter... just be glad I didn't think Zenigata's third hoedown about Richard Vranch fit anywhere in the story.

  
  



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